A Virtue I Don't Have

Karen Estep observes that obedience is a hard word to spell and a bitter pill to swallow.

Obedience is not a virtue I possess. While writing this, I have come to realize it’s also a word that is hard for me to spell. I didn’t even have the phrase, “I take my husband to trust and OBEY” said at my wedding. In life, I want to be known as Miss Independent, Miss Tough, Miss Don’t Mess with Me, or even Miss Follows Her Own Rules. So, how do I grapple with obedience when God is clearly calling me toward it?

When coming into the Church, and later teaching a semester of theology, I learned that priests and religious brothers and sisters vow to be obedient. I thought that since I am a member of the laity, obedience was not on my list of things I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. And then, God …

That seems to be the moral of most of the stories of my life: “And then, God …”

Recently, the virtue of obedience keeps surrounding me more and more. I’ve been told news I don’t like but had to be obedient in keeping it to myself. I also do not like the answer to all the prayers I’ve prayed, begging God to reverse this news. I keep getting told in my prayers, “Be obedient, Karen, and trust Me.” Change, for me, is hard — and it seems being obedient is harder.

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How Do I Become Obedient?

Since I am being called to trust and OBEY God, how do I do that? I’ve noticed a slight shift in my prayer again. Instead of begging for God to soften the heart of someone, I’m now praying for my heart to understand and for peace that will pass that understanding. Instead of being angry at what can only be seen with our eyes here on earth, I am trying to have a mindset of "God works everything out for our good." And let me tell you, none of that is easy. In fact, it’s pretty dang hard and it would be a lot easier for me to just be mad all of the time!

I’m also learning to lean into obedience. Now, this is just like anything else in life: As much as we want to be experts in something right away, it does not happen overnight.

Openness

First, we have to be open to obedience. For me, it was a long spiritual sigh that went probably much like a teenager and their father: “*Sigh*... OK, Dad, you’re right. Now tell me how to fix it!”

Change of Heart

Second, we have to change our heart posture. It’s one thing to tell God He is right and He knows better than we do; it’s completely different to let Him be in control. That only happens when we change our heart to let Him be in control.

Surrender

Third is surrender, and this last step is so hard. One thing I have learned since becoming Catholic is that everything, and I do mean everything, we have in this world is on loan from God. That means our time, talent, and treasure, as well as our spouses, our children (so hard to think about this) and our friendships. The most we can do is pray for them all, use our talents to help others see the treasure in our faith, and surrender them back to the Lord.

Now What?

Now that I know that laity are called to obedience just as much as priests and religious are (our obedience just looks slightly different), what do I do? Well, I have come to terms with being obedient to answering God’s call, but always loving what He is calling us to isn’t always the way things work in life. God is going to call us to surrender what is on loan. God is going to call us to the uncomfortable, and God knows better than we do.

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Now, I pray and lean into the uneasy. Now, I trust that God’s plan is so much greater than my own. Now, I learn how to be obedient, as hard as it is for me, and know that God loves me very much.

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A Virtue I Don't Have