I Wandered

Karen Estep recalls her “Forget You, God” phase and discusses how she moved into her “Trust and Obey God” phase.

Recently the Catholic school my kids attend had their “Mini Saints” music program. My son is among those Mini Saints and it was heartwarming to watch all of the kiddos perform that night. I love hearing all the 2- to 5-year-olds singing about their love for Jesus.

Before the program, my family had to take my son with us to find a seat. He sat with us in the pew for about 30 minutes before it was time for him to get in line with his class. My family stayed put in the pew while I took him to meet with his teacher. However, when he walked back into the sanctuary with his class to perform just a few minutes later, he was shocked to see that we had not gone anywhere: we were still there in the same spot waving at him and giving him thumbs up with big smiles on our faces. We got huge smiles and big waves back, of course.

This small gesture of surprise and the smiles when he saw us again made me do some reflecting. I was baptized as a baby and I accepted Jesus into my life on my own the summer before third grade, but like many Christians, I had a time when I wandered away from it all.

You see, I had a phase in college that I call my “Forget You, God” phase. I lived an incredibly worldly life. I was 100% sure that I had a better plan for my life than God or any church could offer. I still professed my belief in God, went through the motions on Sunday, then denied all of that with my actions throughout the rest of the week.

The life I was living made me wander pretty far away from God while chasing love in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. Not only did I not find the love I was seeking from others, but I did not love myself either during this time. I had separated myself from God, wandered away, and I was miserable. I lived with that pain, shame, and misery for more years than I would like to admit.

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It has only been in recent years that I have fully forgiven myself for this time apart from God. Sure, I came back to my faith throughout the years, even getting back into a church community, but I never truly felt forgiven. Not because God wasn’t capable of forgiving me, because He did—over and over and over again. I wasn’t capable of forgiving myself.

I chose to wander away and yet, God stayed put. He never moved. His love for me never wavered. In many ways, I was like my own son, stunned and excited to see that He was still there, just waiting to see me again.

Recently, I read the full story of the Woman at the Well (John 4:4-30). It is beautiful how Jesus sought the woman out specifically, loving her through all of her sins. She had wandered away from her faith and had been shunned by her community. However, Jesus carefully questioned her when she had no idea who she was talking to. She had so much disbelief that a Jewish man would even dare to be in the same area as her. Then when she finally gets it, this woman joyously races to tell everyone about this awesome man. She had finally understood that she was talking with Jesus, the Messiah.

I am that woman. I was so full of disbelief, unable to forgive myself for my past. Jesus took all of that and told me to, “never thirst again.” Since then, I have been trying to joyously race to tell others about this awesome man.

Click to tweet:
It’s me wandering away, not God. He is always faithful and waiting for my return. #CatholicMom

Do I still have moments where I don’t want God to be the center of my life? All the time! Do I still have moments when I want to leave my faith behind and go in search of other “fun”? Absolutely. I also now have the maturity to know that it’s me wandering away, not God. He is always faithful and waiting for my return.

My first time receiving the Eucharist, I knew I was where God wanted me to be and that I had finally come home. I’d like to call my current phase of life the “Trust and Obey God” phase. I am fully (sometimes more like attempting instead of fully) trusting where God is calling me and obeying His calls for me. So, every time I receive the Eucharist, I make sure I greet Jesus with a smile, knowing that He will never be wandering away from me, even if/when I wander away from Him. I know that God is waiting for me much like I was waiting for my son, with big smiles, thumbs up, and lots of happy waves.

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