Advice from Marriage Experts That You Can Start Practicing Today

Tami Kiser shares a simple marriage technique that can be foundational in handling conflicts and bumps in your marriage.  

My husband and I have been married more than 35 years, and we can honestly say that we’ve seen many ups and downs in our marriage. It wasn’t until we discovered the Gottmans and started following their practices that we saw a great improvement in our relationship. One could even say that our love and affection was rekindled.  

One of their suggestions, which yielded immediate results for us, is called a soft start-up.   

What Exactly Are Soft Start-Ups? 

Soft start-ups are all about how we begin conversations, especially the tough ones. Instead of launching into a potentially explosive topic with a barrage of complaints or accusations, soft start-ups suggest opening with a gentle approach. Think of it as approaching your spouse with a cup of warm tea instead of a stone. 

An Early Attempt 

I can still recall one of our early experiments with soft start-ups. One evening, I noticed the dishes piling up after dinner — again. Instead of my usual approach (“Why can’t you ever help out?”) I decided to try the soft start-up out. 

With a soft smile and a slight look of concern, I turned to my husband and said, “Honey, I know we both have had busy days, but I’m feeling a little more stressed than usual, and I’d love to have a team effort on this clean up.” 

To my surprise, my husband didn’t flinch. In fact, he leaned in, genuinely interested in my day rather than getting defensive. It was a minor miracle! We ended up discussing our routines and figuring out a way to share the workload better with each other and with the kids.  

You can imagine what would have happened if I would have “attacked” him. He might have lashed back. It could have led to a fight. Or worse, he could have shut down or closed up. We call that stonewalling.    

The Back-and-Forth Benefit 

As we practiced using soft start-ups, I noticed something incredible: It wasn’t a one-way street. Approaching each other with gentleness and understanding opened the door for reciprocal soft start-ups. If one of us was frustrated about something, we would talk about it without harsh accusations. 

A Real-Life Soft Start-Up Example  

A few weeks ago, I was starting to get really irritated about my husband spending so much extra time at work, more than the usual “extra” time. He also had been in a perpetual bad mood. I also had been extremely busy so of course, our family time had been suffering and so did our house. It was messier than usual.   

Often I let this simmer, and it can be the smallest comment from my husband that will release all the steam. One day before sitting down to a meal, he had to clear something out of the way, and he commented, “Why does our house have to be so messy all the time?”   

I immediately was ready to retort, ”Why are you so mean and grumpy all the time? Maybe if you would be here more often, you could actually help with some of the mess and I wouldn't have to do everything myself.”  

And an angry argument would follow.  

Instead, I waited until after dinner until we were alone and then brought up my frustration with him working long hours and how it was not only affecting the house but also our relationship. I used “I” instead of “you.” I said something like, “I’ve been really feeling your absence with those extra hours you’ve been putting in at work. I miss being together and having more time in the evening together. I’ve also been busy lately and am frustrated with the messy house, too.”   

What followed this was actually very beautiful. He apologized for this time away and explained that he was in a really tough situation at work with one of his employees. He felt if he didn’t take care of this, it would affect his job. He explained the whole situation to me. Afterwards, he explained how really helpful it was to talk about it and how that relieved some of the stress and anxiety about the situation. I shared some of my recent stressors with him. This experience bonded us together, like a husband and wife should be.  

Had I approached this situation with a stone instead of tea, I would have just added more stress to this already burdened man. 

Learning to Navigate Conflict in General 

Conflicts are inevitable. But the way we handle them can either build bridges or create walls. With soft start-ups, we learned how to navigate conflicts better. This is something the Gottmans spend a lot of time teaching and writing about. If something is bothering one of us, we would start by labeling how we felt instead of accusing the other person. 

Imagine this: instead of flinging insults like “You never listen to me,” I’d share, “I feel unheard, and it’s affecting me.” This shift in approach meant my partner was less likely to feel attacked and more likely to engage in a productive conversation. 

A Gift to Our Relationship 

You never know how a gentle approach might change the game for you, too! Will it be easy? No. It does take some practice and a few reminders. It's easy for me to slip into old habits during times of stress. In fact, we sometimes will joke about it with each other, like “wow, you call that a soft-start?-when one of us forgets and starts with some harsh words. It does break the ice and helps us to remember. But overall, the habit has become easier with more practice. 

Using soft starts has become a game changer in our relationship. They haven't just improved our communication; they've deepened our connection. I've learned it’s not always about what you say; it’s about how you say it. Each conversation starts as a chance for connection rather than conflict. Give it a try next time you want to approach your husband about something you are not happy about.  

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Copyright 2025 Tami Kiser
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