Bringing My Anxiety to God

After an amazing experience at a Catholic conference for medical professionals, Jen Scheuermann worried she’d be let down when she attended again. 

My anxious heart 

I climbed into bed as voices from the hotel’s hallway met my ears. Wishing I’d brought my earplugs, I picked up my phone and searched for the sound machine app. With the time difference I had to wake early the next morning and was hoping to fall asleep quickly. And though I was tired, I was also anxious–but I wasn’t sure why. Setting down my phone, I picked up my Rosary and closed my eyes. With the beads draped across my hands and the Crucifix in my fingers, I turned to the One I knew would help me see behind my feelings. 

I was out of town at the annual education conference for the Catholic Medical Association. I knew no one there, but that didn’t bother me. In fact, I had attended the same conference for the first time the previous year, also without knowing anyone, and I’d had an incredible experience. Being surrounded by other healthcare professionals who also viewed their work as ministry — as a unique opportunity to love their neighbor — invigorated my existing passion for my profession.

Meeting others and listening to the presenters had been an inspiring reminder that healthcare is a vocation through which I’ve been called to see and serve the whole patient, not simply to treat a medical condition. And if that wasn’t enough, the conference offered daily Mass, time for Adoration, and the opportunity for Confession, all of which I’d participated in. The personal healing I experienced while there left me feeling as if I’d been on a retreat rather than an educational conference.  

So why, on the eve of the conference, was I anxious? 

Preparing for disappointment 

Sitting in prayer, I recalled that the last time I’d attended this conference I had few expectations. But that was no longer the case. This year, simply registering for the conference brought joyful anticipation. I wanted to once again leave feeling inspired. But there was more. I also wanted another profound experience with Jesus. I wanted to leave this conference feeling as close to Him as I’d felt leaving the first one. And I was worried I would soon be disappointed. 

Finally aware of my wants and worries, I looked to God. His playful response quickly shed light on the problem: So you think I can only do great things once? You think this year I’ll be unable to outdo Myself?  

Suddenly aware of the silliness of my concerns, I fumbled for words: Well, no, God. That’s not what I meant. I just … 

God’s patience and love rang through as He graciously interrupted: Jen, have you considered that last year’s conference was so personal and profound because I knew exactly where you were and what you needed most in that very moment?  

He paused, allowing His words to sink in. 

Well, don’t you think I still know exactly where you are and what you need most in this moment? 

The fullness of His words met my heart and I stilled, deeply comforted by the knowledge that Jesus sees and knows me. All along I’d thought it was the magnanimity of my first conference experience that was to blame — somehow leaving me longing for another amazing experience while also fearing disappointment. But in reality, my misdirected trust was the problem, for I was looking only to the conference to fulfill my wants and not to God. 

Jesus, take care of everything 

Holding one of the Rosary beads between my fingers, I began repeating the same sort of slow, breathing prayer that has become routine for me of late:  

“Jesus, I give You this conference,” I silently whispered while slowly inhaling.  

And then, slowly exhaling, “Take care of everything.” 

I repeated this prayer over and over, holding on to one bead and then the next. Sometimes I visualized myself placing the conference in Jesus’ hands. Other times I changed the words, giving to Jesus each conversation I’d have while there and each presentation I’d attend. And as my fingers slowly traveled around my Rosary, I felt my anxiety lift.

No, my wants did not change, and I was given no guarantee of a specific outcome. But with my hope and trust now firmly rooted in the One who loves me the most, I closed my eyes and fell asleep in peace. 

(And yes, the conference was once again wonderful!) 

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Copyright 2024 Jennifer Scheuermann
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