Compassionate Support After Pregnancy Loss

Charlene Rack addresses the heartbreaking loss of miscarriage, with essential advice for support.

Earlier this year, one of our daughters miscarried at 23 weeks. It was a startling and painful blow for her and her husband and their three older children (their youngest didn’t understand what was happening), and for all of us extended family members. This was her third pregnancy loss; the others were early in the pregnancies, and were also painful losses. However, it’s definitely worse at 23 weeks, when you’ve been hearing heartbeats and watching a healthy, active baby during an ultrasound.

I knew bad news was coming when I got a phone call from my son-in-law. A feeling of anxiety overtook me immediately. I wanted to run away. Offering such pain to God, and believing in the grace that will pour forth from such anguish, is the only way to get through it. All three of their children were given names, so we now have our “private” saints to call upon.

If you’ve suffered a pregnancy loss, you understand the pain, but some people just don’t get it. They’ll say inappropriate things: “It’s probably for the best,” or “Just appreciate the children you have.” Stop and think about what you might say to someone in this situation. Make sure you speak with the utmost in compassion and support.

It’s harder to bear, hearing thoughtless comments from family or friends, but pregnancy loss is a legitimate loss of a loved one, and should be treated as such, with tender care and charitable sympathy. Luckily, my daughter received those things in good measure from extended family and from their Catholic community. She and her husband also did what their hearts called them to do in the short time they had with their little girl.

My daughter wrote to her friends. It is shared here with her permission.

The Mass and burial yesterday both went well. The mass was beautiful: thank you to everyone who might have helped out in any way for that. We spent the week before making sure everything was in place. I crocheted a blanket and bonnet for Melanie. Even though I know she doesn’t need those things, I needed to make them for her. We tried to make sure there wouldn’t be anything we wished we had done, we only had this time and now it’s passed.

It’s also been interesting (and difficult) realizing that you can’t predict how you’ll feel or act during this whole process. I thought I’d cry so much yesterday but I actually didn’t feel many emotions at all. And that was hard because I wanted to. But I guess you just have to try and accept yourself and the way you feel at each moment, and let the process just happen as best you can. We’ve had so much help and support and love that it’s almost staggering! But it does help. God bless you all.

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Pregnancy loss is a legitimate loss of a loved one, and should be treated as such, with tender care and charitable sympathy. #CatholicMom

As grace would have it, there is a now an online ministry that you can connect with, started by dear friends of mine, called Heaven’s Gain.

Years ago, these friends suffered three miscarriages, at various stages of pregnancy. They had to stand firm in their rights as parents and insisted on the need to spend time with the babies (if feasible), and arrange for their burials. They purchased plots at a Catholic cemetery but had to get creative with “caskets.” It was challenging years ago, to find appropriately sized burial containers for the babies, based on their size. Eventually, out of their pain and frustration, Heaven’s Gain Ministry was born, and it has made a tremendous impact in support and care after pregnancy loss.

Our friends, Jim and Donna Murphy, now travel around the United States, offering training for hospital staff and funeral directors in situations of pregnancy loss, and advice and start-up support for Christian groups who want to help parents through this difficult journey. (“Halos of the St. Croix Valley” is the group that supported my daughter and son-in-law). The group’s volunteers go into the hospitals, encourage the parents to spend time holding the baby and bring in older siblings to do the same. They take thousands of photos for the family and do other special things to walk families through this difficult time.

If you (or someone you know) needs help after a pregnancy loss, contact Heaven’s Gain, talk to Donna Murphy or any of her trained staff. They’ll put you in touch with support groups in your area, or provide phone counseling and support themselves if there is no volunteer group in your area. They carry all sizes of burial containers, vaults, and anything else needed to get you through that situation (backed up by prayer!). They can often recommend the best funeral homes and cemeteries to work with. Miscarriage is a stressful and heartbreaking loss, but support is available, and so necessary.

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