Conflict Resolution for the Christian

We all experience conflict. Lorraine Hess shares thoughts about how to effectively resolve conflict, guided by our Christian call to holiness.

I have worked in music ministry for more than forty years. From the cantor podium, the assembly only hears words of faith come from my mouth. They hear the psalms, Alleluias, and words of mercy, hope, and love. From their perspective, I might sing like an angel, but that doesn’t make me a saint.

When my four sons were little, I took all of them to Wal-Mart. (I know, what was I thinking?) The baby was in the grocery cart seat; the three-year-old in the back of the cart, and the older two, ages seven and ten were negotiating with me about why we needed sugar cereal, chips, and water guns. I had my grocery list, and everything they wanted was not on it. They were bored; I was stressed; and, as the adventure progressed, I started to fuss at them. We passed a little girl while I was raising my voice to one of my boys, and she turned to her mom and said, “Hey, Mom! The church lady yells at her kids!”

Why was this a big deal to her? Her mom smiled at me with compassion. (I suppose her daughter, too, was negotiating non-essentials.) I wasn’t a perfect mom, and I lost my patience way more often than I would like to admit, but it reminded me that my persona from the cantor podium was a responsibility.

Whether we serve in a ministry, or in our vocations as spouse, parent, child, friend, we are the face of Christianity to the world in everything we do. If someone cuts us off in traffic, we might get mad, but if that person is a priest or nun, our anger would be coupled with disappointment. There is a higher standard for those of us who believe in the Gospel. People won’t buy the Christian message if we don’t live it. This is especially true in dealing with conflict.

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Secular World Verses Christian Holiness

In the secular world, turning the other cheek and forgiveness is a sign of weakness. The world encourages us to win at all costs, point the finger of blame, and pick sides regardless of truth. Christians have an individual and communal call to holiness that is often counter-cultural. The goal of our conflicts is not to win; it is to resolve problems by building the relationship through Christian virtues, which leads to resolution.

In our roles as wife, mother, friend, neighbor, even stranger, there is no better example of the sincerity of our faith than the way we conduct ourselves amidst conflict. When we are patient and kind, we walk the talk. Our toughest challenge in conflict is to not lose focus of our call to holiness.

The reasons for our conflicts are not because other people are idiots, mean-spirited, or selfish. Conflict occurs because of original sin. We will always have disagreements and free will. God gives us choices in our disputes, and He sent Jesus to show us how to choose wisely.

Love Is Patient; Love Is Kind

Even though I am a “church lady,” it is unreasonable for anyone to expect me to be sinless, but it is also irrational for me to expect others to be sinless. Are we reasonable about what we expect from others?

Maintaining holiness in a disagreement might seem pie-in-the-sky as you’re thinking about that in-law who drives you crazy or a coworker who is always late. So, what does it mean to be called to holiness? We pray affectively for the person with whom we are in conflict. Prayer and discernment allow the Holy Spirit to tell us what, when, how, (and if) to address the issue. I don’t mean shallow prayer: “God, please tell my coworker to be on time!” Instead, we pray, “Lord, please remove obstacles in my co-worker’s life that keep her from being on time. Please make her children cooperative and her spouse helpful today.”

Do we respond to conflict the way Jesus would want us to respond? Can we pause before firing off or an email or text? Are we willing to address the problem with the person we disagree with, or do we only vent to others about it? A third party only gets our side of the story, so their affirmation is not objective. Do we stop to take the plank out of our own eye before reaching for the spec in others? The prodigal son was loyal to his father, but he had issues too! Do we forgive or apologize for our part in the conflict? Usually neither party is completely right, and an apology goes a long way toward repairing the relationship.

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