Do You Focus Only on Your Failures?

Rachel Watkins confesses to mixed feelings as she approaches the final years of her decades-long homeschooling journey.

It is impossible to avoid the fact that school will be starting soon—or already has, for your family. As the ads on TV and store shelves stocked with lunch boxes and folders will tell you, if you have children, you are facing another school year in one way or another.

There is a certain amount of joy in my own house as I have come to the last years of my homeschooling journey: a journey that I never thought would end. The last of my eleven children is entering 10th grade. In other words, I made it! I have just two years left as the primary educator of my children; 25+ years of homeschooling is drawing to a close and I have mixed feelings.

On one hand, packing up decades of books and materials to pass along to other homeschooling families is very satisfying. But as I packed up these books I quickly found books I never used. And just as quickly my feelings of success turned to inadequacy. Did my children suffer in any way because I didn’t use that book? Would they be smarter if I had used another curriculum instead of what I did use? I should have done so many things differently!

And down the rabbit hole I fell thinking I ruined them all by my seemingly incomplete approach to homeschooling! In a matter of moments, I went from feeling a sense of satisfaction and delight at realizing my homeschool years were coming to a close to a sense of total failure.

Does this ever happen to you? How quickly can you go from feeling good about something you have done to feeling absolutely miserable? Happiness gone in 60 seconds? Is it caused by discovering a forgotten and unfinished quilt? A burned dinner? Just a bad day? Do you find yourself forgetting about all the quilts you did finish and the hundreds of delicious meals you have served and the many more good days you have had when you face a seemingly true sign of your many failures?

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In my house, we call this “Teflon brain.” It seems our family can find memories of previous successes slide out of our memory banks as easily as a fried egg in a good Teflon pan when we encounter difficulties. Professionals call it “discounting the positive,” just one of the many cognitive distortions our brains can be afflicted with. You may have heard of imposter syndrome (feeling anxious about success despite proven proficiency) or even just jumping to conclusions without anything to back it up as other examples of these twisting of the facts.

I know this not because I am anything other than a professional mom, but because my husband and I have relied on Catholic therapists and Catholic books on these issues (and others) to help our family navigate through some challenging times with both our marriage and our children.

So, remembering what I learned, I looked to change my perspective. I walked away from the bookcases, got a glass of lemonade, and worked on seeing the situation from a more positive angle. I have graduated 10 children, after all, and they are doing well. My 39th wedding anniversary came during the week of the big homeschooling purge; another big milestone to celebrate.

After finding a few more good memories to replace my distorted ones, I then added the Prayer for Daily Neglects. This old prayer helps me remember God’s ability to forgive and repair our many mistakes. It includes the appeal for God, “To supply for the good I ought to have done, and that I have neglected this day and all my life.” My soul was lighter the moment I concluded this prayer of petition.

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How quickly can you go from feeling good about something you have done to feeling absolutely miserable? #CatholicMom

God knows I am imperfect and knows I strive to do my best. He provides graces I cannot even imagine for all the mistakes I have made and will make in the future. He is the Lord of the Universe, after all—not me. I will head into this new school year as I have all those good ones in the past: trying my hardest. I will talk to my husband about what we are doing and ask my very last student his thoughts. We will continue to begin each school day in prayer. I’ll be especially praying to stop using those “should have” statements, which the professionals will tell you are just another cognitive distortion, and lean more into thoughts of God’s loving kindness and mercy.

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