Eyelash to Eyelash: The Gift of Reconciliation

Kelly Tolman reflects on the moment of Judas’ betrayal and Christ’s desire to stand eyelash to eyelash with him once again.

Today, I am standing in the garden of Gethsemane. Jesus has just risen from His knees. His cheeks reveal streaks of fresh skin where tears have run through the dust that covers His face—He had knelt, face down, frozen in prayer for hours. The air is cool and closing in around me; my eyelids are heavy. In the distance, I see soldiers walking with haughty confidence; they are loud and aggressive. Judas walks with them.

Fear arises in the hearts of the apostles. I watch their eyes dart from one another to Jesus and back again. It's panic. The soldiers brush past me, their armor cold against my skin. They follow Judas as he makes his way toward Jesus. His hands are trembling, but he walks quickly. Finally, standing before Him, he lowers his head. Everyone looks on, barely able to breathe. Judas speaks, but it is barely audible. Clearing his throat, he speaks again; "Hail, Rabbi!" he cries out, voice shaking but committed. He then leans in and places a kiss on Jesus' tear-stained cheek. With a heaviness, Jesus’ heart aches: My friend ....

I look at Jesus. He is staring at Judas' downcast face. He is searching for his brown eyes, the eyes He had gazed into hundreds of times before now. He searches for the same eyes He looked into as He washed his feet and prayed just hours ago. Jesus' demeanor is strong but gentle. He sees the brokenness from which Judas betrayed Him. Thirty silver coins are thrown at his feet.

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As the soldiers fasten Christ's arms together in arrest, as Peter cries out with his sword, as the horses pull back in fear, and the apostles yell out in protest, Jesus keeps searching for the gaze of Judas. Jesus tells the apostle to put his sword back, and He speaks to the guards. But as He is led off, He looks toward Judas again. Chaos ensues all around Him, but His heart's greatest desire was for Judas to receive the forgiveness He was offering.

Jesus leaves with the guards, His heart broken, not because of the suffering that lay ahead, but because of the suffering that insisted on staying behind.

My eyes open. I am sitting with Scripture in my lap. I wonder why Jesus keeps bringing me to the moment of His betrayal.

Most of the time, when I read about the betrayal by Judas, I thought he was a monster. But, if I am honest with myself, I don't think he was. The apostles were the twelve men who traveled, served, and prayed beside Jesus during His public ministry; these were the men whom Jesus chose to bring into the lives and hearts of those He encountered. Because Jesus' ministry was, of course, one of love and healing, it is doubtful that Judas, as a member of the inner circle, acted out with a foul or hurtful disposition towards others. No, Jesus didn't invite a monster onto the team. Jesus invited twelve men whose hearts He saw were good and whom He deeply loved.

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For a long time, I couldn't wrap my mind around Judas' betrayal. I would think after all Jesus did for you? After all He taught you? After walking in His perfect love for you … You sold Him for a few lousy pieces of silver? It took me many years of Jesus taking me back to this moment for me to realize that I must ask those same questions myself. After all Jesus has done for me; after all He has taught me, after walking in His perfect love for me … I sell Him? Yes. I sell him to the highest bidder, who promises comfort and pleasure. I sell him for popularity and likes. I sell him for the position. I sell him for power. I sell him out of fear. I sell him out of insecurity. I sell him out of brokenness. I am Judas. I am a sinner in need of a Savior.

Jesus doesn't take me to this moment in time for me to be filled with shame. He takes me here to see that the forgiveness, healing, and restoration Christ desired for Judas is the same He desires for me. Jesus wants me to know that He forgives all that I do—that He took every sin of mine to the cross. But God's forgiveness isn't something that I have earned, nor can it heal or restore me until I choose to receive it. Jesus didn't allow his tortured body to hang and die on the Cross for us to simply know about His forgiveness. No, he wants us to receive His forgiveness so that we may be reconciled with Him. Reconciliation is the desire of His heart.

As I prayed, pondered, and researched this truth I was completely caught off guard by the beauty of the word reconciliation. Broken down from Latin, it reads, "re" (back), "con" (with), "cilium" (eyelash). In essence, reconciliation means bring back together, eyelash to eyelash. The beauty of this is just breathtaking.

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I stand in the garden once again with Jesus, watching Him seek the eyes of Judas. I am overcome when I realize that in the midst of the greatest betrayal of all eternity, the deepest desire of Christ's Sacred Heart was the intimacy of standing eyelash to eyelash with Judas once again.

Today, let us praise God for His mercy. Praise Him for His Son. Praise Him for giving us a Man whose eyes we can gaze into and receive in a profoundly healing way forgiveness and reconciliation, eyelash to eyelash.

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