Finding Peace Amid Grief

Several months after a miscarriage, Allison Brown contemplates how the Lord has used her grief as a catalyst for healing and growth.

I am experiencing a mix of emotions. Around me are families who have recently welcomed a new little bundle of joy into the world. At the same time, I was acutely aware that the due date for my twins was approaching. My due date was February 17th, so I would have been holding my beautiful babies in my arms by now.  

And so I find myself feeling that my heart will surely burst with joy at the arrival of all these precious babies, but at the same time, I am feeling enormous grief, and my arms suddenly feel empty. 

I Want to Cry Out to the Lord and Demand an Answer

How could He do this to me? The suffering from this loss has been profound. I still find myself in tears around babies or twins.  

The loss of our babies also had a significant impact on our 9-year-old daughter. She has struggled to process and understand it all, often asking questions about death. Her innocent curiosity and the weight of her understanding have added another layer to our grief. It pained me to know she, too, was hurting.  

She came to me a few weeks ago with questions about the babies. "Mum, did they tell you where the babies are buried? Do you know where they are buried?"

I froze. A lump of grief caught in the back of my throat. "Well, the babies were so tiny that Mary and Jesus, with the angels, came and took them straight to heaven with them." She was satisfied with that answer. 

Though my daughter is satisfied with the answer I gave her, I have grappled at times with acceptance because my heart aches.  

Faith: A Beacon of Hope in Dark Times

While I have struggled with God's lack of a direct answer, I have come to realise that He has been quietly guiding me. His lessons, though not always clear, have been a source of comfort and guidance in my healing journey. My faith has been a beacon of hope through this period of grief, guiding me towards acceptance and understanding.  

Since losing the twins, I have found myself in situations where the Lord is asking me to die to myself and to remain in the present moment.  

This has been a significant lesson for me. In the past, my emotions would take over, and I would struggle to see anything beyond what was causing me so much pain. Instead, lately, the Lord has allowed me to experience a healthy, emotional response, let go of whatever was causing the pain, and focus on the present moment and the people with me. Any anger, hurt, resentment or sorrow, I allow myself to let go and turn to the person in front of me, sometimes the same person who has caused me pain, and respond to them with charity, compassion, and love. This process has taught me the importance of forgiveness, understanding, and living in the present moment with the Lord. 

This has helped me through difficult moments of grief because instead of clinging to it like a life raft, I let go and allow the Lord to do what He wills with it. 

Sorrow Is Not Consuming Me

My tears continue to flow, and my heart still aches with grief. Yet, this sorrow is not consuming me. The Lord has used my grief as a catalyst for healing and growth, a testament to the glory of the Lord's love for me. He has taught me that even though I may be feeling pain and loss, with the Lord's grace, I have the ability to respond to the person in front of me with joy for their happiness or compassion for their suffering. I can allow the tears to flow in grief while simultaneously feeling so much joy for the new life He has surrounded us with. This response is a gift, and an act of the will deeply rooted in the desire to serve others while surrendering it all to the Lord.  

As I continue to navigate these waters of grief, I find strength in knowing that I am loved and my babies are loved beyond the physical limitations of this world. I find comfort in knowing the Lord has used this grief for my personal growth and continued healing to draw me closer to Him. Amid this grief, I have found a more profound and authentic love for the people around me, a love where I think of myself less and think of others more. A love that has buried its roots deep into my soul and draws me toward wanting to be a "little" Christ for others.  

During this grieving period, I have discovered a newfound peace and a new sense of freedom. This freedom has me standing in confidence, knowing I am loved by many.   

The peace I am discovering is found in remaining in the present moment. Not controlling what may or may not happen allows me to respond with healthy emotions and faith, knowing the Lord is in control. Jesus knows what I need at that moment and will surely provide it.  

I am loved beyond measure, and I stand confidently in His truth that I will, one day, be reunited with all my heavenly babies. 

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Copyright 2025 Allison Brown
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