Four Important Things to Remember When Practicing Forgiveness

Elena LaVictoire offers advice to those who find the holidays difficult because of rifts in relationships.

Many people find the holidays to be a difficult time of year. The sentiments of joy and merrymaking seem difficult and awkward with some relationships torn apart and divided, even within families.  

I recently discussed the idea of forgiveness with a friend. What does it mean to forgive? My friend is totally in the 70 x 7 camp from the Gospel of Matthew. But I’m a little more hesitant. For example, I had a first cousin who embezzled money and property from my elderly parents. Does that mean I let her in on my estate plans going forward? Do I give her the chance to steal from me too? Color me reluctant. 

But I have also had the experience of being forgiven and loved despite my shortcomings and imperfections, for which I am very grateful. It hurts when something that happened in the past keeps coming back to haunt a relationship. It’s even more hurtful when the transgression is something that isn’t shared with you, erasing your chance to give a mea culpa and improve. Yet, you know there’s something that is being held against you and getting you “canceled” from the relationship.  

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How do we go about giving forgiveness and then living with it afterward?  #CatholicMom

Of course, we must forgive. It’s in the Lord’s Prayer and Jesus commands it. But how do we go about giving forgiveness and then living with it afterward? 

Don’t give the sin against you space in your head.

Once you’ve determined to forgive, then give the rest of it to God. Don’t keep replaying it; don’t keep talking about it. And if you can’t keep away from it that way, then speak about it in prayer and confession. The more you do that, the more peace you will find for yourself.  

Lead us not into temptation. 

Sometimes people hurt us just out of carelessness. So if your sister-in-law forgot to order the birthday cake, next time ask another sister-in-law or order it yourself. If your best friend is always late, tell her an earlier time for the next event. If a volunteer keeps dropping the ball on a project, find a different volunteer. Probably even more relevant today: if a person keeps putting things on social media that just irritate us to no end, stay away from that person’s posts, pictures, and memes. Don’t take the opportunity to get angry again! This is also a perfect opportunity to look in the mirror and see where we fall short and see how we can avoid situations that inconvenience or offend others.  

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences.

The babysitter who sat on her phone all day and neglected the kids doesn’t get to sit again. And the relative who snubbed you at the last family wedding doesn’t get that chance at the next event. Even the Prodigal Son did not have the fortune he wasted restored to him in full. It’s okay to keep out of situations that will cause hard feelings in the future, and sometimes old relationships and material things cannot ever be the way they were before. But maybe something new and even better can come from it.  

Give grace.

Sometimes the sin against us wasn’t intentional. Recognize and see the character of the person who wronged you. Was the transgression mean-spirited or just neglectful? Is the person who hurt you just young and inexperienced, overworked and tired, or elderly and frail? Give the grace you would wish to receive if the tables were turned and ask God to make up the difference.  

Bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. (Colossians 3:13) 

Copyright 2023 Elena LaVictoire
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