Grieving a Miscarriage with Christ

Kathy Powell shares a guided prayer experience to reflect upon any moment of personal crisis.

When the words, “There is no heartbeat” finally stopped echoing in my ears, I felt frozen in time. It is a moment that marks a definite before and after. As my husband & I walked out of the doctor’s office and made it to the car, the shock began to pour out through hysterical tears and labored breathing. All the questions loomed in my head. What do we do now? Why did this happen? How do we carry on? Where do we look for help? Who am I if I am not a mom of a living child?

As I sat in the car, I desperately tried to start small, first working to calm my breathing, and then trying to focus on any next tangible step. In the immediate moment, the next step was going to grab a coffee with my husband so we could talk, cry, and be together. 

The next day, we got up early and went to the hospital for the procedure to remove the remains, called a D&C (dilation and curettage). After they escorted my husband out and readied me to be moved to the procedure room, I laid alone in my hospital bed thinking about the date. It was November 2, All Souls Day. It’s the day the universal Catholic Church mourns the loss of the departed. The intense loneliness I felt gave way to the comforting thought that “I am not alone.” I am not alone in my grief. Many mourn the loss of their loved ones and are remembering them right now. Catholics around the globe are crying with me today.

During the month of October, all families who know the loss of a child are crying together. This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 15 marks Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The special days can give our grief structure. They can prompt special prayer services, candle lightings, an openness to share stories, and more. They can also inspire bursts of grief and re-ignite the pain and heaviness of that very first moment of “no heartbeat.”

What I have learned in my 10+ years of anniversaries, due dates, All Souls Days, and awareness months is that those can be both helpful and hard, but that no matter what the day, I am not alone. I am not alone because I can turn to Jesus at any time. Jesus knows grief and pain. Jesus not only understands, but He also desires to draw near to our suffering, to be with us in our suffering.

Turning to Jesus does not always come easily. When I first heard there was no heartbeat (and well after), I felt angry and didn’t know what to say to Jesus in prayer. The rote prayers didn’t seem to capture the complexity of my situation. Going to Mass felt uncomfortable because I could not tolerate the idle chit-chat of seeing other people. I was nervous I would sob too loudly and be a distraction. I needed to ground myself in the truth that Jesus was with me and that the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, was working on my behalf. I needed to give myself permission to let Christ carry my loss with me and permission to see my loss and suffering as Christ sees it.

I clung tightly to the Ignatian prayer method of the Examen. This simple 5-step prayer that was penned 500 years ago by St. Ignatius Loyola helped me to see the Spirit at work in my life and call to my attention the people who were put in my path to carry me. It gave me a concrete way to let Jesus grieve with me.

Out of my experience of praying through grief with the Examen, I was inspired to write my own adapted version. When I am feeling trapped in the cycle of questions and uncertainty, I can return to this simple prayer method, and see clearly that even in my worst moments, I am not alone. My prayer is that it invites you to let Jesus grieve with you in your own loss. 

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I needed to give myself permission to let Christ carry my loss with me and permission to see my loss and suffering as Christ sees it. #catholicmom

An Examen of a Day of Crisis

This Examen invites you to look back at a 24-hour period in which a personal crisis occurred. Maybe it is news of a diagnosis, death, or a natural disaster. Think of any happening that seems to have a split time: there is a before and after.

Take a moment to pause in prayer today. Take a deep breath. A terrible thing happened, and this prayer is to help you make sense of it. As you pause, remember that you are not alone. God is with you.  

Listen to a free guided audio prayer, or pray with the steps below:

1. Presence: Ask for God's presence.

Holy Spirit, be in this broken place with me. Help me to see it all as you see it or saw it. Help me see the smaller details that are so often overshadowed when I recall this difficult day.

2. Gratitude: Look upon the day with gratitude.

Even though it's a hard day, name the gifts of the day. For what are you thankful? Ask God to show you the gifts of the day. Take time now to thank God.

3. Consolation: Notice God’s presence.  

As you review the moment, notice where you felt the presence of God. Where did you feel an increase in faith, hope, & love? Where might God have been present in this crisis that you did not see the first time?

4. Desolation: Notice now where you felt distant from God.

Where did you feel a decrease of faith, hope, & love? What parts of this crisis are still hard? With confidence, share how you are feeling with God.

5. Grace: Ask for what you need.  

As we carry on away from those 24 hours, what grace do you need right now? Jesus tells us over and over again, “Do not be afraid.” With courage ask God for what you need for the day ahead.

Close with an Our Father. Amen.

Copyright 2022 Kathy Powell
Images: Canva; photo of memorial brick copyright 2022 Kathy Powell, all rights reserved.

About the author:

Kathy Powell, passionate nonprofit and faith-based communications professional, lives in Roswell, Georgia with her husband Kent and three children. Serving as the Creative Director for Becky Eldredge | Ignatian Ministries, Kathy is passionate about teaching people the gifts of Ignatian Spirituality, honoring the lives of her two babies gone much too soon, and walking with families who have lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Follow Kathy on Twitter: @KathyP987.