Guided to a New Life

Suzanne Beck describes the closeness of God’s redeeming love during a time of marital crisis. 

It’s only a matter of time. 

I remember distinctly lying in bed tearfully looking at my reflection in the mirrored closet doors, thinking, “How can a decision I made at 20 haunt me for the rest of my life?” My 32-year marriage was failing fast and furious. It was only a matter of time.   

From the beginning, every week, month, and year had been a struggle of some kind, and I’d often watched others who seemed happily married and wondered why we were so different. We saw several counselors, male and female, faith-based and secular. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more — that God would change my husband, that God would change me, that He would intervene somehow to salvage our commitment. I begged Mary for her intercession with more than one 54-day novena.  

If there was one thing I was taught or somehow intuited during my growing-up years, it was that divorce was the unforgivable, unpardonable sin. There were other sins, of course, but divorce was the one you simply did. not. do. For years, I kept trying to be the “good wife,” doing what my husband expected: making sure the house was clean; that the kids weren’t too rowdy; that I was contributing to the family’s income; that my shoes were put away; or that I didn’t talk too much at a party. Yes, those were all expectations in the eyes of my husband.   

Eventually, as you might expect, I didn’t do any of those things well enough, and he moved out, leaving me alone, saying he no longer wanted to be married. 

So many different emotions 

Then came the many emotions: rejection, sadness, loneliness, a sense of utter failure. There was also astonishment — that someone could go from talking to their spouse several times a day to absolutely no communication; from knowing what the other person was doing almost every waking moment to not knowing anything. Amid all those feelings, there was one that was overwhelming but which I didn’t know how to reconcile: relief. I didn’t know how I could feel relief over the “sin” of divorce, but I did.  

Time marched on, I cleaned out 25 years’ worth of stuff in the attic, put the house on the market, sold furniture, had garage sales, and dealt with our almost-adult sons’ pain and confusion. During this time, I also learned of horrible things that had happened during the marriage that I had been completely unaware of.   

I came to the realization that Mary HAD interceded for me, and that God HAD answered both hers and my prayers, not in the way I had thought — healing my spouse and/or my marriage — but by literally rescuing me from the situation. With prayer and counseling, I eventually got over the belief that divorce was sinful, realizing that what I had endured was actually emotional abuse. I was able to lay it all at the foot of the cross. I now prayed that God would use that time of hurt and somehow restore the years that the figurative locusts had eaten (cf. Joel 2:25). 

Guided to a new life 

Looking back on those days, fourteen years ago this month, I realize how close I was to Jesus and His Blessed Mother. I was accompanied daily. Some days they walked beside me, some days they carried me, but they were so present that besides that relief, I vividly remember the sweetness of their presence.  

That presence guided me to a new house, a new parish, and a new life. That presence encouraged me to seek an annulment. I’d had no intention of remarrying, but as a convert, I knew that I completely trusted the Church. If the CHURCH said that what I had known wasn’t actually a real marriage, I would be SO relieved, especially since I’d always thought things were a bit “off.” Miraculously, the annulment was granted in a very short time, and added to my relief was joy, contentment, and praise that God had indeed rescued me.  

The Blessed Mother and her Son continued with me and led me, a year later — to the date — to a childhood friend, now my best friend and wonderful husband. I reconnected with Eric, a friend from grade school who had been through a similar marital situation. Once his annulment was granted, we were married in the Church, and for the past 12.5 years, I have been in awe of what marriage is supposed to be like. THIS is a sacramental marriage and I now know there is a huge difference.   

The love I have for my husband is from God, and I am grateful every single day for the care, for the love, the guidance of Jesus and Mary bringing us together — redeeming not only my story but my husband’s story as well.   

My life is not at all what I had envisioned, but God’s ways are not our ways, and I’d dare to say, invariably, His ways are way, way better. I am still in awe of his mercy, grace, loving care, restoration, and redemption. 

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Copyright 2024 Suzanne Beck
Images: (top, bottom) Canva; (center) copyright 2024 Suzanne Beck, all rights reserved.