How to Support Your Grieving Husband After Child Loss

Kelly Breaux, coauthor of The Grief of Dads, discusses how to help and support fathers who have lost children.

As a young girl, I often daydreamed about my wedding day. These lofty dreams filled my mind with the significant yet abstract decisions and whimsical ideas that many young girls have about marriage. I wanted more than anything to be a wife and mother. On July 13, 2002, I married my best friend, Ryan. It was a beautiful day, and I was able to choose all the little details I had dreamt of.

Suffering was never part of my plan

Unfortunately, suffering came early in our marriage, like a bomb dropped out of the sky without warning. Losing a child was never a part of my dreams or plans. 

When Talon died, our world, our life, was shattered. Nothing can possibly prepare you for the loss of a child, no matter how briefly your baby lives inside your womb or how short a time you had with them. Losing a child is the hardest and heaviest cross a couple will ever carry in their marriage.

As a mother of loss, you are experiencing profound suffering. Your husband is with you. He is right there, but he's mostly silent like Saint Joseph. You ponder everything like the Blessed Mother. You notice him occupying himself with tasks like tinkering with lawnmowers, rearranging his work shed, asking to go fishing, and accidentally breaking something while fixing it. You, on the other hand, can’t stop crying, can’t stop smelling your baby’s blanket, and are inconsolable most times.

He doesn’t ask about your feelings because he sees them expressed so openly, and often holds you without speaking a word of comfort. Throughout this, you question whether he's grieving or sometimes if he even cares, as he doesn't express much.

Men and women grieve differently

Grief is a foreign language that we often try to decode. We have a difficult time understanding our own grief, let alone others'. It was only after I understood that men and women grieve differently that I developed compassion for my husband’s grief.

My husband needed time to process his feelings, as this did not naturally for him. He never told me how he felt because he didn’t want to burden me. He needed time and space for his grief, too. But he couldn’t do this while at work all day. I had no idea how hard it was for him to be away from me every day. My mental health was always at the forefront of his brain as a protector. It left little time to care for himself.

Our beautiful husbands want nothing more than to take their own broken hearts home to be nurtured by the woman they love. Only if I knew how to soothe his grief would I have given him the time, space, and love he needed.

A new resource can help

The Grief of Dads (Ave Maria Press) is a book that aims to help both men and women understand the unique grieving process of fathers. It is a heartfelt effort to shed light on the often misunderstood and sometimes hidden experience of male grief after losing a child. Understanding your husband’s grief will add clarity to the confusion that’s created following loss. You’ll be able to support him.

If your husband or a father you know is grieving and could benefit from some comforting words, consider giving them The Grief of Dads. Even fathers who aren't regular readers will connect with the short stories and find the resources helpful.

Let them know they are not alone on their journey to healing.

Share your thoughts with the Catholic Mom community! You'll find the comment box below the author's bio and list of recommended articles.

Copyright 2024 Kelly Breaux
Images: Canva

About the author: Kelly Breaux is the co-founder of Red Bird Ministries along with her husband, Ryan Breaux. The Breaux's founded Red Bird following the loss of four of their children — two boys and two girls. The organization helps parents who have lost a child to find healing. Red Bird partners with dioceses and parishes to provide the tools and resources to support families who have experienced the loss of a child from pregnancy through adulthood.