Little Ones, Loved and Lost

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month. Elizabeth Leon shares seven ways parents can emotionally navigate their grief.

As Catholic mothers, we make a vow during our wedding sacrament to welcome children. We do our very best to embrace the gift of our fertility and have a sacramental marriage based on God’s plan for our family and an openness to new life. We celebrate and delight in our pregnancies and anticipate with joy the new baby we will welcome with love and longing.

Except when we can’t. According to the Merck Manual in 2022, 10-15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. A commonly cited statistic is that 1 in 4 women will experience the undesired loss of her pregnancy through miscarriage. It is safe to say many of us here at Catholic Mom have lost a child to miscarriage and infant loss—a child we dearly loved and lost far too soon.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month. Losing a child at any stage is devastating, but the loss of a child to miscarriage is especially elusive. We know our baby was alive and that their life has eternal purpose and value from the moment of his or her conception, but now they are gone, often before we have even been able to feel them move or see their face. We may not know their gender. Perhaps we were not even sure we were pregnant. Our bodies and our hearts may be deeply aware of the depth of this loss, but the people around us may not have any knowledge of what we have been through. We may or may not have been cared for by medical professionals who affirm and dignify the little one we have loved and lost.

In March 1999, I was busily caring for my 18-month-old daughter when I realized one day that my cycle was late, but only by a few days. Excited by the thought that I could be pregnant again, my husband and I decided to wait a few more days and buy a pregnancy test over the weekend, but on Friday I began to bleed. My period was a week late, but I had no confirmation that I was pregnant.

Crying, I called our local doctor, and they encouraged me to come in. The tests showed that yes, I had been pregnant, but unfortunately, I was not any longer. I drove home from the office silent and heartbroken. It was hard to wrap my head around learning about and losing my baby at the same time, like he or she was gone before they were even really here.

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I was fortunate that my obstetrician was a pro-life Catholic doctor and was very supportive in helping me to honor and grieve our tiny baby. With my doctor’s encouragement we decided to name our baby Samuel Peter, a 50/50 guess since we did not know the gender. Naming him made both his presence and his absence more concrete. Having a name allowed me to let my love for him grow in my heart, even if he could not grow in my body anymore. In time, I also went to a local Catholic store and picked out a small gold plaque with a little boy angel on it. I wrote his name and the date of his loss on the back as a small memorial of his precious, fleeting life. And while I understand our children do not become angels, the plaque still hangs in my bedroom and helps me feel connected to this tiny soul I have faith I will meet again someday.

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We can care for our hearts by taking steps to honor and remember our baby and allow ourselves to grieve. #catholicmom

Many mothers and fathers do not know how to grieve a baby that dies through miscarriage. After getting proper medical care, there is no right or wrong way to navigate pregnancy loss, but we can care for our hearts by taking steps to honor and remember our baby and allow ourselves to grieve.

Consider naming your baby. If you do not know your baby’s gender, you can choose a gender-neutral name or just pick a gender name that feels right.
Create or purchase a memorial item to keep in your home to remember your baby by. This could be a plant, a personalized memento, or any small figurine or piece of art that allows you to remember and reconnect with your baby.
Do something special with your husband or family each year on the date of your loss. Consider donating gifts during the holidays in remembrance of your little one’s loss.
Unite your suffering to Christ’s passion or to Mother Mary’s sorrows.
Journal freely about your experience, your feelings, and your grief. Consider writing letters to your baby throughout the coming years.
Ask a priest or deacon to pray for you. The Church offers a special blessing for parents after suffering miscarriage or stillbirth.
Seek support from other families of loss. Two options include RedBird.love and CatholicMiscarriageSupport.com.

If you have lost a baby through miscarriage or infant loss, I am so very, very sorry. You are not alone. Your baby was real and your baby is loved. Together, we commend our littlest ones, loved and lost, to the mercy of God and ask for God’s grace to carry our suffering.

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