Overwhelmingly Reckless

In the middle of a struggle with faith, Christine Johnson found unexpected consolation in a popular praise song.

I’ve really been struggling with my faith for more than a year now. I feel tossed and turned by waves and winds, anxious about things I can’t control and have trouble giving up the illusion of control I have. I wrote last month about trying to pray the Surrender Novena and failing the novena, but holding tight to the repetition of the simple prayer “O, Jesus, I surrender myself to you. Take care of everything.” Often, when I start to feel anxious, I cling to this prayer as I repeat it ten times. (I firmly believe repetitious prayer is for us -- to help it sink into our thick skulls. At least *I* have a thick skull.)

I have glimmers during prayer and Mass, but mostly my year has felt spiritually dark. But I keep trying, keep praying as best as I can, knowing that God accepts my very meager prayers when it’s all I can do sometimes. I know now that this is probably just a dark night in my soul. God is here, He never, ever leaves me, but it’s hard for me to see Him in the dark.

I’ve been just pushing through as best as I can, to be honest.

Today, I was listening to my running list on Spotify, and suddenly “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury came on. I had completely forgotten that I added it to my playlist. Suddenly I was swept up in the lyrics of the song, and the chorus especially spoke to me:

There’s not a shadow you won’t light up
A mountain you won’t climb up
Comin’ after me.

There’s not a wall you won’t kick down
A lie you won’t tear down
Comin’ after me. 

Oh, the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God!
Oh, it chases me down, fights til I’m found, leaves the 99.
I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it,
Still You give Yourself away.
Oh, the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God!

And right there was God, reaching out completely unexpectedly, telling me that He hasn’t forgotten me, and He’s here with me in the dark. I can reach out, and He will hold me. He won’t let me go, and if I wander, He’s going to come and find me.

Click to tweet:
I keep trying, keep praying as best as I can, knowing that God accepts my very meager prayers when it’s all I can do sometimes. #catholicmom

I had to pause the radio after that, and I prayed my favorite psalm, number 63, which is the first psalm on Sunday morning of Weeks 1 and 3. This is the translation in the Liturgy of the Hours:

O God, you are my God. For You I long;
For You my soul is thirsting.
My body pines for you
Like a dry, weary land without water.
So I gaze on You in the sanctuary
To see Your strength and Your glory. 

For Your love is better than life,
My lips will speak Your praise.
So I will bless You all my life,
In Your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul shall be filled as with a banquet,
My mouth shall praise You with joy. 

On my bed, I remember You.
On You I muse through the night
For You have been my help;
In the shadow of Your wings I rejoice.
My soul clings to You.
Your right hand holds me fast.

My dark night feels a good bit less dark tonight. Thank You, Lord, for Your kindness and for visiting me so tangibly this evening.

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen. Alleluia.

Copyright 2021 Christine Johnson
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