Safeguarding Against Infidelity

Teri Sinnott discusses what we, as married couples, should be doing to safeguard against temptation.

Infidelity comes in many forms. I have heard the stories. I have watched lives torn apart. I have seen hearts shattered. All this pain, anger, sadness could have all been avoided. It was not inevitable. It wasn’t because of “fate” or some magical “true love.” It was situational. It was wrong. It didn't have to happen.

Once we get married or have friends of the opposite sex get married, we must view those relationships differently. As a young, single woman, I completely believed that you could easily maintain long lasting friendships with those of the opposite sex. But it's simply not true. Now that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends; it means those friendships look different. And they need to.

Do I have friends of the opposite sex? Of course. Do I hang out with them alone? Absolutely not. So many of these affairs are not a random “hookup'' that “just happened.”

First, they started off as an emotional affair. Someone to talk to at work. There is simple “innocent” flirting. (We know that no flirting is actually innocent.) Turns into texting, sharing issues or problems that you are having within your marriage or in life. Instead of seeking support from your spouse, you find yourself seeking the support of another.

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It may be an unpopular opinion, but an emotional affair is still an affair, even if it never turns physical. But often, it does turn physical.

Here is this other person, giving you compliments. They seem to be paying you more attention than your spouse. You feel seen and heard. You feel special. All these little things build up. They start to make you develop feelings and the emotional intimacy spills over into physical intimacy.

Sometimes this ends with us thinking that this person is better for us. One problem with that thinking is the same problems you have with your spouse you will eventually have with this person too.

Relationships are about time, effort, commitment, choosing to love one another, and working every day to make the marriage work and to become better. We often want a quick fix. We want the excitement we felt when we were first with our spouse and when that fades, and it will, we think the love is gone.

But really, we have just entered a more mature phase of love.

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How do we safeguard our marriages from infidelity?

It starts with both people being fully committed to keeping their marriage faithful. You can’t prevent your spouse from being unfaithful. It is not ever a case of “you didn't do (insert here) enough.” But you do need to be sensitive to their needs. Make sure they are heard.

You also must share your needs with them. Too often we expect men to be mind-readers and to just know. They don’t. My husband and I always do better when I tell him exactly what my problem is and what I need from him.

It isn’t a perfect science. Sometimes it leads to an argument. But that short argument ultimately leads to great discussion, problem solving, and a stronger marriage.

It is truly a two-way street. Both people have to care about making sure their partner knows they are loved. You have to choose to love every day.

Take the Love Language Quiz. Make sure you each know how the other feels loved and focus on showing them love how they receive it.

You also need to keep yourself in check. Who are you confiding in? If it isn't your spouse, re-evaluate.

I have male friends, but I would not be going out for drinks with them. When we hang out, it is with our spouses and with our families. You can have friends, but they should not be replacing your spouse anywhere in your life. Any role your spouse is to fill, should not be filled with someone else. It helps protect you from getting off track.

If you are having problems in your marriage, you should be speaking to your spouse or a counselor. You should not be spending your energy confiding in someone of the opposite sex. Maybe life has gotten busy at home with the kids, and you are overwhelmed. But you must make time for your spouse and your marriage.

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You can have friends, but they should not be replacing your spouse anywhere in your life. #catholicmom

Marriage is a gift God has given us. It helps make us holy. We need to treat it like a gift and our spouse as a gift. If we both grow together our marriage gets stronger. You never hear an old married couple of 50 years say they wish they had walked away. They always talk about how the hard times made them grow stronger. Happier. More fulfilled.

Choose love. Choose your spouse. Every day.

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