Saying Goodbye

In the midst of grief following her father's recent death, Courtney Vallejo ponders how to live well in preparation for eternal life.

Funerals are hard. I’ve never met anyone who looked forward to a funeral because they require us to be present to the pain of loss. They can however have moments which allow us to smile as we remember stories and good memories from our times with our loved ones.

Recently I was at the funeral of an extended family member who meant a lot to my own immediate family. The deceased was a devout Catholic woman whose casket was surrounded by her entire family, as it was wheeled into the church for her funeral Mass. The Mass was a beautiful celebration in which her own grandchildren proclaimed the readings and her children led the music for the Mass. It was such a beautiful honor to a woman who exemplified our Catholic faith and instilled its richness in her own children.

Surrounded by my own friends who had come to show their support for her children, I reflected on how these friendships had started at Mass and youth groups, continued as we stood up next to each other in our weddings and then celebrated babies being born and mourned the loss of babies who wouldn’t stay with us here on earth. Now the time had come to enter into the funerals for our parents. Feeling too young for this stage but having lost my mom at the age of 21, I knew it was a part of life. I began to think about my own dad’s funeral that day, and decided I needed to start collecting pictures to be able to remember his life at his own celebration.

Following the Mass was a beautiful graveside burial where the lowering of the casket and the sealing of the vault seemed so profound to me. Knowing we hope to reach Heaven after this and to be reunited with our loved ones, it also represented the finality and death of life, here on Earth.

Following this beautiful experience, and packing up to head to the reception, I saw I had some missed calls from my uncle (my dad’s brother), and a text that said to call him right away.

My dad has struggled with various health issues over the years and I assumed it had perhaps landed him in the hospital. What I never expected was my uncle’s words, “Your father passed away.” I was dumbfounded, confused and assumed I heard him wrong. Blubbering through an explanation about how I was currently at a funeral and would need a minute to process, I began to shake and cry. It’s a phone call that I assumed I would get “someday,” but as they say, we just never know the moment or hour when a life will end.

The next week was filled with funeral planning as well as cleaning out my dad’s house. How my family and I sorted through his life in such a short time is still a shock to me but I know God was leading us through the process.

woman praying in cemetery

When my mom died, I was 21, had just graduated from college and I had converted to the Catholic faith a few months before and I don’t know if I really addressed the grief I felt. I pushed it aside and headed to school shortly after to get my master’s degree. Now facing my dad’s death with my husband and my three children, the loss affected more than just myself. I knew I had to be present to the pain. I knew moving forward that I also need to work through the bad memories and the hard times too that I experienced with my father. While it would be easier to push aside the pain, I know now that I don’t have the luxury of being ignorant and need to address my feelings, in order to be able to allow God to heal the hurt.

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Our faith tells us our time on Earth is limited and our heart needs to be prepared for eternal life with the Lord. #catholicmom

Our faith tells us our time on Earth is limited and our heart needs to be prepared for eternal life with the Lord. Today I ask you to remember that the end of our lives will be left to our children to sort through and clean up. I’m starting to believe that since no one wants to think about funerals, we also don’t talk about the logistics of what has to take place once a person has died. One aspect which I now feel passionate about, is the need to make sure our estates are in order for our children. I was left with a mess of paperwork to sort through, funeral expenses to pay and a house to clean out. I had no idea a simple graveside funeral could cost over $10,000. In the midst of mourning, the last thing our children need to be worrying about is how they’re going to take care of our funerals and what debts they’re going to take on personally.

God has promised us a life after Earth with Him, but it comes with choosing Him in this life. May we choose Him today in our hearts, minds and actions. May we prepare our lives in all aspects for the unexpected moment when our life on Earth comes to an end. And as it reads in the Liturgy of the Hours, Night Prayers, “May the all-powerful Lord grant us a restful night and a peaceful death. Amen.”

St. Joseph, Patron of the dying, pray for us.