Saying Yes to the Lord When I Don't Want To

Courtney Vallejo faces the fact that her yes to God's will hasn't been a wholehearted one.

We moved again this summer: that’s 4 time zones in three years, not really a bucket-list goal I was trying to attain. My husband is a college professor now, and he was offered a new opportunity. We’ve prayed novenas begging the Lord to show us His will, but what I’ve continued to realize about myself is that what I’m really praying in those novenas isn’t that He show me His will, but that He would make His will what I will.

Thankfully He reminds me that His plan is always better than mine. In each move He’s gifted me in ways I literally never imagined. In one state He gave me such wonderful health care for issues that needed resolving but which couldn’t be fixed by doctors in the previous state.

Being a stay-at-home mom, I’m not regularly using my college degrees at a job in the field, but in two states now He’s given me opportunities at the university level that literally had never crossed my mind as opportunities I’d have in life. Unrealized dreams, maybe, but those that I only laughed at when they had popped in my head—unattainable, and yet He dropped them right in my lap. 

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What I realized most in this last move and what was affirmed by a dear friend who shared with me a recent realization that she came to; she said, “I realized that that my yes hadn’t really been a yes.” This last move really had me questioning: "Really Lord, are you sure about this, is this really what You want? Here, You want us here?" And the patient father that He is, He continued to nudge that yes into my heart. 

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What I’m really praying isn’t that He show me His will, but that He would make His will what I will. #CatholicMom

The one thing I’ve continued to do, although maybe with a whiny-toddler voice (I’m still a work in progress), is to ask Him what He wants me to do in this new place, where He wants me to serve. This week He’s given me an answer. The answer is another opportunity I never expected but one He’s prepared me for in so many ways. I still doubt, I still wonder if I’ll mess it up, but I’m trying to stay the course.

In deciding if I should move forward with the opportunity, I came across this quote from a book I highly recommend for busy moms, The Wisdom of the Saints: 365 Days of Inspiration from Dynamic Catholic. Each day has one quick quote that I start my day with and can meditate on throughout the day. On the day I had to make a decision, this was the quote:

Nothing would be done at all, if a man waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault in it. (Saint John Henry Newman)

So I’ll take that leap of faith and trust that He gave me this opportunity, and I’ll beg Him for the grace to accomplish my tasks each day and use this as another way to grow closer in my dependence on Him.

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