Suffering and the Gift of Motherhood

Allison Brown ponders her journey to motherhood: a path that has included unexpected and difficult challenges.

I have always wanted to be a mother. This desire was stamped on my heart from a very early age. The call to marriage and motherhood has always been the one thing I was entirely sure about.  

From a young age, I had been planning out my future. I wanted to study psychology and drama, write a book, and work with children. Even though marriage and motherhood were something I desired and was sure about, I allowed the world's distractions to convince me that I could delay those two things. So I decided to marry when I was 30 and then start having children when I was 35. 

But as they say, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans. 

A dramatic change in my plans

Shortly before my 13th birthday, my life took a dramatic turn. I was diagnosed with myalgic encephalomyelitis (also known as chronic fatigue syndrome) after becoming mainly bedridden. My dreams for the future began to fade as I counted the weeks of being sick, which turned into months and eventually years. 

In retrospect, God had been preparing me for a very different life. As a child, I would have all my dolls set up as I imagined I was the mother of many children. My favorite movie of all time was The Sound of Music. In high school, I babysat a little girl with Down syndrome, which opened my heart to children with more significant needs.  

Looking back, I realize the Lord was teaching me a valuable lesson. He showed me what truly mattered in life and the meaning of surrendering and letting go of attachments to dreams that ultimately would take me away from my true vocation. 

Even though I was away from the Church as a teenager, the Lord had reached out to me through my subconscious, knowing my heart's deepest desires. 

I was 16 when I first began letting go of my dreams. My father brought me to a specialist; I remember we were starting to feel desperate. I could barely function at the best of times from severe exhaustion and fatigue, body pain, nausea, weakness, fainting spells, major brain fog, and memory problems.  

As I sat in the doctor's office, the doctor turned to me and said, "I have something that I think will help you. It isn't legalized here in Australia, but I can get it from America." 

I sat there for a moment. I felt like this doctor was offering me everything on a silver platter. All my dreams suddenly seemed possible and within reach. I was being offered a life of normalcy. This awful illness was taking everything away from me, including my dreams for the future. Then the doctor continued, "But you probably won't be able to have children, as it will affect your fertility." 

I didn't hesitate. "No," I told the doctor.

At that moment, my dreams vanished once again. 

Protecting my calling

For the first time, I consciously decided to let go of all my dreams and plans for the future, even though I didn't recognize that I was accepting God's plan for myself and its ultimate ramifications. Motherhood was just too important to me, and nothing could convince me to jeopardize the possibility of becoming a mother. I knew motherhood was my calling and vocation, and in my naive and basic understanding of what this all meant, something told me I had to protect and guard it.  

My husband and I married when I was 20. I had my first child at 21 and my youngest at age 35. I have had 13 pregnancies over the last 22 years: Five miscarriages, six little saints in heaven, and eight live births. 

Most of our children have been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD, amongst other diagnoses. 

During my pregnancies, the myalgic encephalomyelitis would flare up and become considerably worse. In most of my pregnancies, I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum, diabetes, pre-eclampsia, and high blood pressure as well. After my youngest was born, I was diagnosed with type two diabetes and kidney disease. Throughout my pregnancies, it usually would get to the point where things were so bad there was nothing else to do but place it all in God's hands.

I am sure everything looked like it was falling apart on the outside. Maybe, at times, it was. But my husband and I also learned the power of prayer and the power of the saint's intercessions. We had to surrender and allow God to take over. God never failed us. My husband and I continued to rely on God and trust Him even though, at times, we struggled; we knew that God's plan and His will for us would ultimately create a strong foundation for our marriage and family. 

Through my suffering, the Lord saved me

The hardships and struggles that myalgic encephalomyelitis has brought on are always in the background. But suffering has taught me what is truly important in life. It emphasized the importance of surrendering to God's will. The Lord's plan will ultimately fulfill that deep longing and desire in my heart. It is through my suffering and seemingly losing the life that I knew that I found my vocation and the life that the Lord desired for me. Without my suffering, I would not be where I am today nor be the mother that I am. Through my suffering, the Lord saved me. 

He tugged at my heart and promised me:

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you ... plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) 

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Copyright 2024 Allison Brown
Images: Canva