Table Talk: Encouragement and Aid for Mothers Whose Child Has an Eating Disorder

Drawing on her personal experience overcoming an eating disorder, Lea McCarthy shares advice and hope with ​mothers whose children are battling this condition. 

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Snack: carrot. Dinner: 1 piece of salmon with snow peas and celery. Ice cream cone. Total daily calories: 800.

​​It’s been almost 20 years since I catalogued those words as a ​12​-year-old in the grip of anorexia. I went from a lively girl who enjoyed life to a manipulative, anxious, and deceitful person whose life revolved around controlling food and restricting everything that went into her mouth. I became isolated and withdrawn, fearing interactions with friends that could lead to me being offered food. I began lying to my parents and pretending I was eating more than I was, eating more and more restrictively all the while. ​​​

​​I was hospitalized once during my critically ill period. However, though I was able to maintain a healthy weight after that for the next decade, internally I still lived as a slave to my eating disorder. I followed multiple nonsensical food rules, including what I could eat, when I could eat, how many calories I could eat per meal, and had many forbidden foods. Each day was a struggle between my rational self and my "anorexic brain," which used controlling food as a means of coping with life. ​​​

It took a lot of time, a lot of prayers, and a lot of grace, but now I am at peace with myself and, despite some occasional tough days, I eat everything! (Except liver ​— ​but that’s just because it’s vile.)

I hope to share some anecdotal advice and impart hope to parents whose child or teen suffers from an eating disorder. Please keep in mind that this is not medical advice! I am simply sharing my personal experience as a teenager with an eating disorder in the hope that it will help someone else. I speak about our daughters since that is more common, but I recognize that there are also many young men affected by eating disorders as well.

It’s Not Your Fault!

Let’s get that one out of the way right now. Eating disorders are very complex and there are many things that can contribute to their development. Your job is to accompany your child in and through the recovery process, and blaming yourself creates further damage to both you and your child. Moving past self-blame allows room for the healing process to truly begin. Beating yourself up isn’t going to help anyone.

It’s Not About Vanity: It’s About Control

An eating disorder might begin with a desire to look slimmer or fit into a certain outfit, but when it truly takes hold, it typically becomes less about appearance and more about the desire to control. Many people who suffer from an eating disorder see themselves in a distorted way, as if they were looking in a funhouse mirror. They are unable to recognize the state of their bodies and see themselves as overweight.

​​I remember lamenting internally the lie that I looked too bony and gaunt to be attractive, but while a healthy person might think​,​ “Then maybe I should eat more” and then do so, I simply felt trapped and was unable to change any of my rigid habits despite knowing I was in bad shape. ​​​

Often, an eating disorder develops as a way to cope with the big world of pending adulthood, responsibility, her changing body, or any number of things, and to think that she’s simply being vain or stubborn is to ignore the deeper issue. A Catholic counselor might be very helpful in enabling your child or teen to unpack these feelings and fears and recognize that they can work through the anxiety they experience regarding food.

Less is More

When your child or teen has an eating disorder, it often feels like you are walking on eggshells, trying to maintain peace in the family and avoid bringing up any touchy subjects. Well-meaning comments or even asking how your loved one is doing can be taken the wrong way. You might wonder what you are supposed to do — not talk to her ever again?! The "less is more" approach may be helpful with these topics as your child regains a normal relationship with food and her body.

Rational Thoughts​ ​…​ ​I Have Them??

When someone has a restrictive eating disorder, their body is in a state of starvation. They simply aren’t getting enough glucose to their brain to think clearly. Not only that, but the fight-or-flight mechanism kicks in due to their high levels of anxiety surrounding situations with food. I remember how I would panic when faced with the task of eating a seemingly harmless meal such as pasta tossed with olive oil. Many things I believed about food at that time were severely distorted or just completely untrue and would not make sense if I tried to explain them.

Your child may similarly be operating under a deluded, distorted reality which makes healthy choices and behavior around food extremely challenging. This ​leads to the next point:

Recruiting Help

It is natural that we as parents want to give our children everything they need. With the best of intentions, I have witnessed some parents over extend themselves by attempting to fulfill too many roles, which leads to mental and physical exhaustion. There is no doubt that you as a parent love your child deeply and know them intimately; but God does not expect us to do it alone. Sometimes, His hands and feet extend to professionals to become a part of the support team our children need.

It is important to recognize that not all aspects of an eating disorder can be seen by visual observations. Eating disorders can cause a number of complications that require medical oversight, and when left untreated, these issues can escalate to become life-threatening.

“Be not afraid” is the most repeated phrase in Scripture; when faced with such a terrifying situation, it is vital to be not afraid to ask for help and engage medical professionals for support. Remember, Jesus is in the business of healing people. His divine touch that brings wholeness extends to your loved one through the instrument of the therapist, the provider, and other medical professionals. I am grateful that my parents realized this and sought help for me, including inpatient treatment, when it became necessary. Even to this day I can remember “breakthrough” moments where I was touched by God’s grace through the people on my treatment team, where I hesitantly chose to take a step toward recovery and leave behind the toxic relationship I had with food and my body.

Don’t Forget About YOU!

It is mentally exhausting to worry day after day about your child’s health, and it can be helpful for parents to network with other parents going through what you are. There are online support groups and resources for parents and families through F.E.A.S.T. and The National Eating Disorders Association, to name a few. Make sure you are caring for yourself, getting enough food and rest, and taking time to recharge away from your child or teen. It’s not selfish​;​ it’s necessary ​​for you to be the best mother you can be to your child during this difficult time.

Show Me, Don’t Tell Me

Think of the most influential people in your life, those you admire and want to imitate. Chances are, they didn’t give a seminar on a topic but inspired you by the way they live their life. As I began to recover, I found the most powerful witnesses to be the people in my life who were at peace with their bodies and modeled the joy of healthy eating. Some of these were friends or family members, some were on my treatment team, and all of them loved life and made me want to get to where they were with their relationship with food. As mothers, we have an incredible opportunity to be those role models for our children and to help our daughters care for and nourish the bodies God gave us. Some ways we can do this include:

• Being compassionate, not overly critical, toward our bodies. We aren’t perfect and we won’t have perfect bodies this side of Heaven, but we can be okay with that.

• Modeling healthy (not excessive) exercise

• Talking about food in terms of nourishment for our bodies. Food is so much more than just the calorie count! Fiber, vitamins, probiotics, antioxidants — so many good things that I never thought about.

• Modeling the joy of eating: Marvel in colors, textures, flavor pairings, spices. God’s creativity abounds in the nuances of food!

​​There’s another important way you can model healthy behavior around food, and that’s to eat dinner together as a family whenever possible. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: ​ ​​Eating ​meals together when one of the members has an eating disorder sounds like asking for World War III! The last thing your child or teen wants to do is eat with other people. I know, because I was there myself and caused my parents many headaches. ​​​

​​Despite this, there is something sacred about eating a meal as a family, and sharing that communion around the dinner table is a foretaste of the heavenly banquet that we are invited to. Granted, in ​ ​​Heaven ​there won’t be mismatched napkins and sticky spots where the toddler spilled juice, but it’s important to try to have family meals when possible even if it’s imperfect. There is grace there. ​​​

Besides, normalizing eating together (or at the very least, sitting together as a family for one meal) is a good building block on the road to recovery. That’s exactly the model they use in many eating disorder treatment programs: eating meals together and gaining encouragement from each other.

Encourage Real Relationships

The development of an eating disorder can be affected by many outside factors, but social media has largely been the most dangerous risk factor in the history of eating disorders. You don’t have to look hard to find pro-anorexia sites or ‘thinspo’ (thinspiration) chat rooms, where people post tips on purging, exercise, and the like. As parents, we are guardians of our children and can help to protect them from these negative influences, while helping to foster positive relationships in their lives. If your teen needs to have a means of contacting you, consider a wise phone without internet access. Discern prayerfully about whether your teen should take a break from social media or avoid it altogether at this time where she is emotionally and mentally fragile.

What positive relationships can you help your daughter to foster? (And yes, that may mean that you need to drive her places). I was grateful for my parents taking me to band practice and art class as well as allowing friends over, which helped me interact with peers my own age in a positive environment and throw my energy into something other than relentless exercise and counting calories. Perhaps there is a youth group at your local parish that your teen would enjoy, or an activity/sport she would like to try. You could even check your local library for free events and see if your daughter would like to go with a friend.

And of course, don’t forget the importance of intentional time with you and your husband! Spending time together, such as a fun mother/daughter outing or father/daughter "date" can be a good way to reconnect with each other during this stressful time.

Enlist the Help of the Saints

There are a few patron saints of those struggling with eating disorders, such as Saint Maximillian Kolbe, originally sentenced to death by starvation in Auschwitz, and Saint Catherine of Siena, who survived for years on nothing but the Holy Eucharist. Saint Dymphna is the patron saint of those suffering with anxiety, depression, and mental illness. Saint Monica prayed for years for the conversion of her son, who eventually converted and became the great Saint Augustine. Saint Zélie prayed for the health of her little daughter​,​ Saint Thérèse​,​ who was sickly and almost died as an infant.

And of course, who knows a mother’s heart and the grief we endure when our child is suffering better than Mary, the Blessed Mother? The saints intercede for us more powerfully than we can for ourselves, and Heaven knows we need those graces!

Pray, Hope, and Trust

One of the best things you can do to help your child is to pray. God is always ready to give graces to those who ask for them, and we can petition on behalf of loved ones even if they are not asking these graces for themselves. I am positive that it was my parents’ constant prayers for me that eventually led to my recovery and deepened relationship with God, and I will be forever grateful for their intercession.

There are many beautiful Scripture verses about healing, and they can be a source of consolation and hope in the midst of turmoil. During hard times, I have taken a bunch of Post-it notes, written a Scripture passage about healing on each, and put up a daily note to self in a prominent place where I will see it multiple times a day.

When times are difficult, remember God’s promise:

Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God.
I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

You’re not alone in this, and neither is your child. Keep being there for her the best way you know how, and allow others to help along the way. God gave you as a mother to your child for a reason and He will use you to aid her journey to healing and wholeness. Recovery is possible for anyone with God’s grace. Don’t give up!

Finding Mental-Health Support for Your Child (and Yourself)

Catholic therapist Kristina Talbot shares strategies for seeking professional support.

An eating disorder is one of the most hidden conditions in the realm of adolescent mental health challenges. It often remains difficult to identify, because the young person who suffers from this condition goes to great lengths to keep it from being discovered. The shame accompanied by the revelation that an eating disorder is present within the household is multi-faceted and connected to a number of negative emotions that include but are not limited to guilt, fear, pain, hurt, and betrayal.

In most cases, experienced professional level support is warranted to assist in navigating the complexities of an eating disorder. The initial and immediate priority is on medical health stability. An initial evaluation to assess the clinical significance of the condition can rule out and/or address medical and mental health care concerns associated with eating disorders. Once it is confirmed that there are not immediate emergent healthcare indicators then a family can work through the cognitive and emotional complexities associated with an eating disorder.

Depending on your geographic location, access to trained health care providers can be difficult. It is important to note that eating disorder treatment is a specialty within medical and mental health care. Not all health care providers are trained in this specialty and identifying trained providers who are also aligned with Catholic Social teachings can be extremely difficult.

Local Catholic therapists may be identified through parish bulletins, pastoral parish staff, local Catholic schools, Catholic Charities, and websites such as CatholicTherapists.com and CatholicCounselors.com. If you are limited in your local options, you may consider expanding your search to include on-line options within your state. Mental Healthcare professionals are licensed by state and able to provide telehealth to individuals throughout their state of licensure. While in person is optimal, sound clinicians with whom the family has confidence are able to provide beneficial services remotely.

About this section's author: Kristina Talbot

Kristina Talbot is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and native Floridian who loves that her engineer husband enjoys Karaoke, and her four children enjoy carpool line with the music up. Kristina is the owner and founder of ARISE Mental Health Consulting Services and has a ridiculous amount of knowledge about football. You can follow Kristina on Facebook and Instagram @arisemhc.

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Copyright 2026 Lea McCarthy
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