The 3-Step Antidote to Bitter Mom Syndrome

Denise Jelinek offers a plan to turn around an attitude of resentment and bitterness.

Have you ever suffered from Bitter Mom Syndrome (BMS)?  

Being a bitter mom is like living as a pot of simmering soup at risk of boiling over at any moment with the slightest increase in temperature.   

Let’s be honest, there are parts of our vocations as wives and moms that can feel heavy, obligatory, and draining. That said, I am 100% positive that most, if not all, of the women reading this recognize the infinite joys and blessings of being wives and moms.  

However, our vocations do come with crosses, and those not-so-fun parts can lead to bitterness and resentment, both of which are not on the Catholic mom’s list of “feelings to cultivate.”   

I’m sure you have felt this at some point.  

None of us wants to live that way, so let me offer you a step-by-step antidote for when you are suffering from BMS (Bitter Mom Syndrome). Yes, the order matters. 

1.  Commit to meeting (at least) your basic needs.   

You would never neglect feeding your kids or bathing them, but you wouldn’t think twice about skipping a meal or a shower for yourself.   

If you struggle with self-care, I suggest reading “How to Love Yourself Like Jesus Does” or “Self-care on Your Sainthood Journey.”

2. Be aware of the “shoulds” 

BMS starts with the thought “I should …”  

“I should get the dishes done now.”
“I should do the laundry.” 
“I should make a homemade dessert instead of buying it.” 

Being aware that you are entering into the potential to develop this condition by thinking “I should …” is the first step.  

3. Recognize that you have choices 

When you encounter “should” statements, seek God’s truth and recognize you have choices. To do this:

• Restate the “should” statement and ask, “According to who?” If the answer is another human being or conventional wisdom (“that’s just the way it is”), it is likely not something God requires you to do or has moral consequences.   Notice whether your brain believes that you should do something to be a “good _______.” Sometimes we believe that “good” wives, moms, friends, daughters, etc. should do specific things. There is nothing wrong with this belief, just be aware that you can choose whether or not to continue that belief.  

• Next, replace “should” with “could.” Doing this allows you to clearly see the consequence of any choice so you can decide what you would like to do.  

Remembering that ultimately you are in control of the thoughts you believe, and that you always have choices, is the PERFECT antidote to BMS.  

Click to tweet:
Being a bitter mom is like living as a pot of simmering soup at risk of boiling over at any moment with the slightest increase in temperature. #CatholicMom

Let’s see a real-life example.     

Scenario: It’s after dinner.   

Should statement: “I should really clean up the kitchen.” BE AWARE! The development of BMS is about to begin.    

According to who? “Well, that’s just what moms do. [conventional wisdom] No one else is going to do it or help me.”   

Your brain will believe it’s true that a “good mom” cleans up dinner and that you have no option.   

Ask it again: “According to who?”    

For me, the truth is that it’s according to me. I am the one who wants a clean kitchen.   

Replace should with could in your self-talk: "Denise, you could clean up the kitchen, even though you don’t want to, but at least it will be done and you will have a clean kitchen. You don’t have to do it, but then you will be staring at this mess in the morning and that’s the LAST thing you want to deal with then." 

I keep talking to myself until I believe it is totally my choice to do it or not and it’s okay to not super-enjoy it. I tell myself, “You do things you don’t like to do all the time because what you really want are the results.”  

Your commitment to meeting your basic needs greatly reduces your chances of feeling resentment and bitterness. The more you practice this antidote to BMS, the less you will be minimizing or forgetting your own needs. If you struggle with self-care, have hope! There is enough time to meet your needs and the needs of your family; God wouldn’t have given you a family if everyone’s needs couldn’t be met.

I pray this step-by-step antidote gives you hope and confidence that you are not stuck and can easily remedy BMS.  

Copyright 2023 Denise Jelinek
Images: Canva