A Three-Step Plan for Letting Go of a Grudge

Jasmine Kuzner suggests three steps to take when trying to intentionally forgive.

I’m nothing if not proficient at holding grudges. It’s nothing I set out intentionally to do, yet at a moment’s notice—when an old wound is opened and a memory is brought to the forefront—there I am, reliving an old offense. The pain is fresh, the anger real, and my pride is masked well by indignant righteousness. What happened in the past is dragged back into the present and forgiveness is again my battle to fight, and just like anyone who has tried to conquer vice can tell you, it’s always harder to fight the battle the second, third, and thousandth time around.

Holding a grudge is something that makes one ill both spiritually and physically. To hold a grudge is to hold someone guilty and irredeemable, an exact opposite to the life proposed by our Lord Jesus Christ. To hold a grudge against someone is a sin of pride. It tempts us to get comfy, to sit in that seat of judgment and think more of ourselves, choices, and actions than we should. To hold a grudge is to take a big bite of that proverbial apple, believing that we are all-knowing and can see more than our one set of human eyes were designed to see.

As Catholics, we know that there is a clear line between good and evil, truth and deceit, offense and accident. Our human nature, however, makes it easy to forget that there is only one Redeemer who knows the true intentions of a person’s heart. We know that the only ability we wield is to seek holiness through His redemption, but as much as we want to seek His will the way can be confusing and difficult.

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The following are three small steps to help lighten the load in the effort to let go of a grudge.

Step One: Set Your Intention

Forgiveness is above all a personal choice, a decision of the heart to go against the natural instinct to pay back evil with evil. (Saint John Paul II)

The first step in letting go of a grudge is making the choice to do so. Give up the comfort of replaying in your mind how someone has wronged you. In your daily prayers, ask God to give you the grace to forgive that specific person and tell Him that you want to let go of your grudge.

Make a plan that measures your attempts at forgiveness. Try for one month to pray silently in your heart or aloud: “God forgives _____, and so do I” every time a past offense rears its ugly head. Go to confession if you slip up to gain the grace to start anew.

Step Two: One Single Want

Holding a grudge is heavy business. The weight is due to the many wants that come with holding a grudge. Often, we want things from the primary offender. We want him or her to know the hurt they’ve caused or see the error in their ways. We want them to perform an action we feel would rectify our sorrows (which it usually never does, since this desire is just another excuse to hold forgiveness at ransom).

The trick to letting go of a grudge is to hold onto only one want: to see the person you are holding a grudge against in heaven. Ask Saint Maria Goretti to pray for you. Her story is witness to the incredible grace that comes from allowing yourself this one single want, since it is the same one she had for Alessandro Serenelli, her murderer-turned-Brother Alessandro Serenelli, OFM Capuchin.

Step Three: Do the Opposite

The third step in letting go of a grudge? Doing the opposite. When you want to think badly of someone, think of a compliment you could give them in sincerity. When you find yourself assuming someone’s poor intentions, assume a more favorable one. For example, if you assume someone did something to hurt you because they don’t like you, assume that they have no idea how much you are actually affected by them. Give way to the possibility that their actions have more to do with their own struggles and less about your worthiness.

When you want to spend time on why what someone did was wrong, use the time to focus on what right things you can do in the moment. Pray and ask for God’s blessing. Check in with God to let Him know how you are feeling and ask for His grace to rightly order your heart.

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Three small steps to help lighten the load in the effort to let go of a grudge. #CatholicMom

Grudges are part of our human experience. Holding grudges can pave the way to hardened hearts if we are not careful. Setting a clear intention and taking steps to let go of them makes clearer the path to heaven and unites us more firmly to the ones we love.

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