Attending to Our Children's Nightmares and Fears

Jane Korvemaker discusses ways to help our children recover from nighttime fears so they will feel safe and protected. 

I had terrible nightmares as a child. Darkness was never my friend — I’d lie in fear until I could figure out an escape from the darkness to the safety of my parents. My own children have all undergone periods of nightmares, but it’s my youngest, now 10, who still suffers from them relatively regularly.   

She may go a month or two where it seems resolved, only to have it start up again. It can be exhausting for all of us but, more than this, I want my child to feel safe, protected, and loved: reminiscent of being in the arms of our Good Shepherd. 

Why is it happening? 

When nightmares drive the night-time visits from children, it is fear that propels them. We can help by understanding how the body regulates this emotion. There are two stages to this bodily response: 

Activating fight or flight 

In nightmare situations, the body interprets sensory information that it identifies as stress, and not only this, but danger. This kicks the body’s sympathetic nervous system into taking over bodily functions instantaneously, preparing a person for immediate fight or flight response to the danger. The body’s ability to think and reason, a higher mental function, is shut down so that energy can be put toward survival and focused use of the senses to give specific information (for example, pupils dilate, pain receptors are more inhibited, and there is higher sensitivity to touch and sounds).  

Whether the stress/danger is real or imagined is unimportant to the brain. As long as the senses continue to relay sensory information that says that the stress/danger is present, it will continue in this mode. This is why just telling our children that it’s fine, there’s nothing to worry about is often not enough to put a stop to their body’s response. 

Shutting down fight or flight 

The body’s senses need to relay information that indicates physical safety, which activates the parasympathetic nervous system. Our vision, hearing, and touch are the easiest accessible senses at night, though smell and taste can be used.  

While the sympathetic nervous system can fire up in less than a second, shutting it down takes longer: typically 20 to 30 minutes. The length can be reduced by focusing on sensory input in ways our child’s body will interpret as meaning “safe.” 

How we can help 

Vision 

Leaving hallway lights on, using night-lights, and having the closet light on (with the door closed) has helped my daughter’s vision relay safe information. When it’s dark, her imagination runs with her vision’s lack of input to continue to feed the message “potential danger!” to the brain, as it cannot confirm safety.  

Use "salamander eyes": While sitting/standing straight, look as far to your right as you can without moving your head, then slowly turn your head, following your vision and hold for 30-60 seconds. Re-centre head and vision. Repeat on the left side. This is called "panoramic vision" and can activate the parasympathetic system by counteracting the pupil dilation of the sympathetic system. 

Hearing 

We play a playlist of soft, relaxing music throughout most of the night. The music is associated with calming down to rest/sleep. Other sounds that can help are ocean waves, gentle rain, and birds chirping.  

Using prayers we’re familiar with and which are prayed during calm times can help relay "safe" information to the brain. Repetition, such as praying the Rosary or the Jesus prayer, is a beautiful way to affirm safety and protection. 

Touch 

Deep pressure stimulation activates the body’s ability to "rest and digest." Massaging our child on the back or the hands; tightly, but gently, wrapping in a hug or with a blanket (think swaddling); weighted blankets and oddly, for some therapeutic brushing helps to provide that pressure input.  

Yawning is an activity that is only done when the parasympathetic system is active. Practicing yawning, even when it’s not a true yawn, can help give sensory input to the brain to deactivate the sympathetic system.  

Deep breathing can also stimulate the parasympathetic system — with our kids we talk about "big belly breaths" down to the bottom of our belly. Breathe in for three seconds, hold for three seconds, breathe out for four to five seconds, hold for two seconds. Repeat. 

As my daughter grows, she becomes more capable of using these types of tools on her own. Until then it’s important that she knows she can come to us when she doesn’t feel safe. With the right loving support, I’m certain she’ll be able to use these tools to remind her she’s always in the Shepherd's arms. 

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Copyright 2024 Jane Korvemaker
Images: Canva