Finding Hope in the Resurrection

Michelle Nott shares how, after a miscarriage a year and a half ago, she found hope in the Resurrection this Easter.

My heart filled with joy at the two little pink lines that appeared on the pregnancy test. After a rough first half of 2021, a little ray of sunshine was creeping in as I found out I was pregnant with our fifth child. I calculated the due date to be April 21, 2022, and mentally fast-forwarded to that month and what it could mean. An Easter baby, perhaps? With April comes the beginning of spring, (though in the Midwest, it’s not unheard of to get some snow in April too), and flowers could potentially be blooming. This vision of welcoming a new life into the world as we celebrate the new life given to us by God’s ultimate sacrifice warmed my heart.

That fantasy quickly faded at my first prenatal appointment, when the ultrasound technician gently told me that the baby was measuring small, and she could not find a heartbeat. A week or two later it was confirmed that our sweet baby, whom we named Jesse, had passed away. My visions of new life and flowers blooming quickly disappeared and turned into deep pits of grief and death.

Shortly after my miscarriage, I found out that I was expecting again. Blessed with new life once again, I was excited … at first. But unlike my previous pregnancy, I did not imagine visions of blooming flowers or focus on the new life growing inside me. I was caught up in the vines of anxiety, and they were holding on tight. Grief still consumed me, though it remained buried for a few months. Then Easter came around, and that denied fantasy of my Easter baby flashed before my eyes.

I didn’t want Easter to come because I wasn’t ready to pass the due-date anniversary which completely cemented Jesse’s death. All I focused on was Good Friday and the death that surrounded it. Confusion and anger towards God filled my soul. Why did He take my baby away from me? Amongst all these feelings, guilt crept in for being consumed with grief due to my miscarriage, when I should have been joyful for the new life growing inside me.

Easter arrived; Jesus rose from the dead and His tomb was empty that morning. But I wasn’t one of the women running to tell the good news to the others; I was stuck in the tomb reliving the pain and suffering that brought me there.

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But time does heal. Looking back a year later, I can see how grief and pain blinded me to the hope that the Resurrection brings. I was caught up in all the pain and suffering of Good Friday, that I refused to see the joy and miracle of Easter Sunday.

When Jesus rose from the dead, He opened the gates of heaven for all worthy souls. I don’t know why I miscarried Jesse, and I probably never will. But because of the Resurrection, I can hope that Jesse is alive with God in Heaven, watching over me. I remain hopeful for a reunion with Jesse when my time on Earth comes to an end.

The miracle of Easter Sunday could not have happened without the suffering and death of Good Friday. My son, Elijah, would not be here if Jesse did not pass away. Elijah has been such a blessing in my life, and I cannot picture our family without him. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss Jesse every day and wish that he/she were here with us too.

God is intentional. Throughout His three years of preaching, Jesus alluded to the Passion and the suffering that would go alongside it. But He also proclaimed the Kingdom of God to teach his disciples how to obtain everlasting life. He suffered and died to save us, but He proclaimed the Kingdom of God so that even while suffering, we can remain hopeful of eternal life.

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Jesus suffered and died to save us, but He proclaimed the Kingdom of God so that even while suffering, we can remain hopeful of eternal life. #CatholicMom

Last Easter, I was stuck in the pit of grief with the vines of anxiety holding me there. But when my son was born three months later, those vines slowly loosened their grip, and I began to climb out. When I got to the top of the pit, Jesus was there, waiting for me. When I looked back down, I noticed that the vines were wrapping themselves around the cross, and on the vines, flowers were blooming.

When aligned to the cross, our suffering brings us closer to God. And, because of the Resurrection, we are able to hold onto hope that something better is in store for us. God has a plan for each of us; it’s just a matter of trusting that He is there, guiding us along the path to heaven.

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