Hard Lessons in True Friendship

After losing 100 pounds and some superficial friendships, Erin McCole-Cupp learned how to seek healthier relationships.

A new friend recently texted me, “Did you notice that, as you heal, many of your older relationships don’t work anymore?”

I almost laughed—emphasis on the “almost.”

Yeah, I’ve noticed.

I feel like I’ve been working on inner healing ever since early adolescence, but those efforts ramped up when I was writing All Things New: Breaking the Cycle and Raising a Joyful Family. In writing about all the ways I had unlearned the dysfunctional patterns taught in my family of origin, I discovered that I had even more to learn about healthy parenting—and just healthy human-ing—than I had anticipated.

This began a trek into recovery for the disordered eating I’d used for decades to cope with my trauma.

I lost 100 pounds. I also lost what I’d thought were friendships.

Before this phase of my healing, I brought superficiality and people-pleasing to my relationships. I prided myself on going the extra mile for my friends. Unfortunately, this also meant that I could also be counted on to make offers that I eventually became to overextended to fulfill.

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When I stopped making promises I couldn’t confidently keep, and when I stopped overfunctioning to try to win over people who seemed comfortable losing me, I gained more energy and peace.

Alas, the people who benefitted from my extra miles and my desperation to please? Well, once I stopped pursuing them, I discovered that what I thought had been a mutual friendship had been one-sided.

Then there were the relationships that had been built on my maladaptive coping mechanisms. You may have heard that alcoholics have “drinking buddies.” When I stopped trying to make food my primary relationship, I discovered that I had “eating buddies.” When I wanted to try talking about things other than recipes and restaurants with those buddies, the conversations dried up and blew away.

It should be no surprise that the relationships I formed when I was just coping instead of thriving did not have room for my authentic self. Once I started acting like someone who wanted to thrive, those relationships just didn’t “work” anymore.

I was no longer willing to give and give without any reciprocity and call it a friendship.

I discovered that I prefer to conserve my mental energy instead of spending it with people whose only consistent interaction with me was to bring me down.

I learned that it’s better to be alone than neglected or used.

I learned that one moment of false guilt is less of a near occasion of sin than days, hours, or even years of real resentment.

I learned that some people just don’t want me well.

I discovered I was no longer willing to set myself on fire to keep others warm.

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Without the false warmth and comfort my self-destruction provided some people I’d called “friends,” the true nature of those relationships became clear. By keeping such friendships in my life, I was helping none of us to get to heaven.

All of these statements may seem “not Christlike.” Doesn’t St. Ignatius tell us to give and not to count the cost? Doesn’t St. Theresa of Kolkata tell us that, when we love, we don’t measure, we just give? Didn’t Jesus tell us to turn the other cheek, give our cloak, and go that extra mile?

The thing is that we only have two cheeks, one cloak, and only one extra mile. Jesus, owner of infinity, was only crucified the one time. If His generosity isn’t enough to tempt people to treat those who love them with kindness, why would I think mine would be?

It is hard losing old friends, but it was harder being drained dry in the places God meant me to be refreshed. It’s hard making new friends, but it’s easier than shrinking myself to fit others’ comfort zones. We haven’t met all the people who will love us yet.

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It’s hard making new friends, but it’s easier than shrinking myself to fit others’ comfort zones. #CatholicMom

The new friend whose question about losing friendships once we heal is one of those many new friends who are teaching me that my authentic self is worth reciprocity and mutuality. God, owner of infinity, always fills us with what is true when we are willing to empty ourselves of all that is false—when we tell Him, “Yes, I want to be well.”

That is what He wants, too. That’s mutuality. That’s true friendship.

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