I Can't, But He Can

Amanda Lawrence discusses what she’s giving up for Lent.

I entered 2024 feeling hemmed in on every side and totally outraged. My unceasing prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears. Work stressed me out more, and I worried about my son’s future and the stability of my living situation. I shared my struggles with those around me and asked for prayers. Some folks heaped on unhelpful advice. Some suggested a fresh start elsewhere, while others could have cared less about my problems, as they had their own to wrestle with.

In the middle of this mess, I learned my priest was being transferred. Emotions in my parish heightened as he made arrangements to leave and his successor prepared to take over. Soon, he was so busy he hardly had time to pack.

When I tried to speak with his replacement, I worried he was more overwhelmed than me. I reminded him that everyone may be sad our priest was leaving, but that didn’t mean we weren’t happy he was staying. It’s hard to hold both emotions at the same time. I needed him to hear that more than I needed him to listen to my distress.

Priests are only human, and change is hard for everyone.

So, I turned inward to avoid burdening either of them further. I took my grief to Adoration, praying harder for discernment and direction but getting nowhere. The next thing I knew, I burnt out physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Imagine that! Being burnt out on God. Something was definitely wrong.

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It felt like God was asking me to stop. But stop what? And for how long? I didn’t know. So, I excused myself from church meetings and contemplated quitting writing spiritual reflections. And without realizing it, I obstructed my relationship with God.

One rainy January night, I was so exhausted that when my son suggested we go out for dinner, I caved and said yes, even though we couldn’t afford the expense. I just needed the break. It wasn’t until I was getting ready for bed that night that I realized we had forgotten to pray over the meal. I smacked my forehead and begged for forgiveness.

As I prayed the following morning, the Lord's insight illuminated that I was as stuck as I feared, but I was doing it to myself. I needed to stop spending so much energy resenting life events I couldn’t change. In doing so, I was only making everything harder for myself.

I was upset after another short-staffed day at work, another financial-aid meeting for my son, and another reminder that housing costs are soaring. But why? That’s just life. It’s hard. There’s always something making it more challenging.

The people I solicited opinions from were mostly trying to help. Work was being work. My son is a high-school senior. I was just burned out from stressing about everything at once, and that exhaustion exacerbated my ordinary struggles.

It was silly, in retrospect, after I went to Confession and unburdened myself.

I had been standing at the plow, looking back, preventing myself from moving forward when I should have been putting Christ first, before and above all else, including my career, my son’s future, and even our livelihood.

Sometimes, that’s easier said than done.

Click to tweet:
I had been standing at the plow, looking back, preventing myself from moving forward when I should have been putting Christ first. #CatholicMom

The Gospel calls us all to repentance and conversion, but our pride, anxiety, anger, and fear prevent us from detaching from the world and achieving the total freedom that God offers. We need Jesus and the graces He gives us to get through each day. He knows life’s hard, so He’s always with us. We aren’t ever struggling alone. And while I appreciated the efforts of those I sought advice from, I knew deep down that they couldn’t help me—nobody could except Him.

We must be all in for God to remove our stony hearts and give us a heart of flesh. To do that, we must reject the world and all its false promises and completely surrender ourselves in love and trust to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Even that isn’t always easy!

And that’s precisely why I’m taking it into Lent with me. I’ll continue to drink coffee and eat chocolate while I spend those 40 days trying to fast from ruminating and falsely relying on anything or anyone other than the Holy Trinity.

I appreciate your continued prayers for my success, and if you have any advice on how best to accomplish this mission, please put it in the comments below. Remember, future saints, life never gets any easier. We just get better at navigating it with God.

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