My First Full Ash Wednesday Fast in 19 Years

Amelia Bentrup reflects upon her first full Ash Wednesday fast and the power of fasting.

February 26, 2020: this was the first Ash Wednesday I fully fasted in almost 19 years. The last time had been Good Friday, 2001, before I got pregnant with my first child. To be honest, I can’t even remember what those early fasts during my young adulthood were like. I am sure I did not eat between meals and tried to eat less, but I don’t recall it being a powerful spiritual experience. I was just trying to follow the rules.

Then I became pregnant with my first child and for the next nineteen years, I proceeded to rightfully take the “pregnant or nursing exception” to fasting. Sure, I would give up snacks and sweets or maybe little food pleasures like cream in my coffee and sugar in my oatmeal but due to my state in life at that time, I hadn’t undertaken a full fast in many years.

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However, that Ash Wednesday of 2020, my youngest child was 3 ½ and while still not yet weaned, did not depend on breast milk as a large component of her nutrition. I had no reason not to fast.

To be honest, I was extremely nervous. I had a somewhat tumultuous relationship with food, and I never missed a meal. I also was confused about the Church’s norm about fasting which states, “one full meal and two smaller meals which together do not equal one full meal.” What does that mean? What is a small meal? What is a full meal?

I decided to just forgo the smaller meals and stick to one full meal, which I would eat during dinner time, with the exception of allowing myself a small meal consisting of two apples in the mid-afternoon. Maybe I was being scrupulous? I don’t know. I just know that I felt called to fast in that particular way, that particular Ash Wednesday, and again on Good Friday.

Armed with plenty of water and juice, I woke up on Ash Wednesday morning determined to make it all the way until dinner time without consuming any food other than two pieces of fruit. To my surprise, the day was much easier than I had anticipated. To be sure, I did feel hungry at times, but it would pass and I would use the opportunity to remind myself of why I was fasting: to meditate on Jesus’ life, teachings, passion, and death.

In Matthew 4:1-11, we learn that Jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. So when I would feel hungry, I would just remind myself that if Jesus could fast for 40 days and 40 nights, I could surely fast for a couple of hours.

He [Jesus] said in reply, “It is written: 'One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.'” (Matthew 4:4)

Those are powerful words, and they helped carry me through that first experience with fasting. Instead of filling myself with food, I tried to fill myself with God. Was it perfect? No. But, I learned something very important that first Ash Wednesday. I learned that I could, in fact, fast. I wouldn’t faint, pass out or even get a headache. With the grace of God, I made it through.

Then I [Ezra] proclaimed a fast, there by the river of Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before our God to seek from him a safe journey for ourselves, our children, and all our possessions. (Ezra 8:21)

The prophet Ezra and the Jewish people undertook a fast to humble themselves before God and seek a safe journey before undertaking an exile from Babylon. Fasting makes prayer more powerful.

The more you deny the flesh, the most you make the soul radiant with spiritual life. (St. Basil the Great, Second Homily on Fasting)

Fasting, prayer, and almsgiving are the three pillars of Lent. While Ash Wednesday has already passed and we are already into the Lenten season, I urge you to make this Lent a season of fasting. Reflect on how your Ash Wednesday fasting went and prayerfully consider how you may fast on Good Friday. If health reasons or your state in life prohibit a traditional fast from food, find something else you can fast from that will stretch you. Make it hard so you have to rely on God. That is where the real spiritual benefits are found.

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Instead of filling myself with food, I tried to fill myself with God. #CatholicMom

I think that first experience with fasting on Ash Wednesday three years ago was such a powerful experience for me precisely because it was so hard. I was attached to food. I was very, very attached to food. A good portion of my time was spent thinking about food, preparing food, deciding what to eat, and worrying about what I was eating or how much.

Fasting freed me from all that, at least for one day, and gave me the freedom and the space to grow closer to Christ. Other people may find great spiritual benefit from fasting from social media or the Internet or shopping or TV.

Since that first Lenten fast that Ash Wednesday three years ago, I have undertaken many more fasts and, in the process, seen great growth in my spiritual life. I have fasted for specific prayer intentions, health reasons, and spiritual reasons. While Lent is already underway, it is not too late to begin a practice of Lenten fast and sacrifice. It will be hard, but the reward will be great.