Peaceful Parenting

Maria Riley explains her seemingly radical formula for parenting without losing her temper.

I’ve learned from several sources lately, including a pediatric therapist, that punishments are not effective. Stay with me here. What they say is that when a punishment is given for bad behavior, the child is able to funnel their anger and discontent to the punishment and the one who gives the punishment. They have an external place to put their ire and discontent.

For example, a child disobeys, and her mom takes away her tablet time. The child is now angry that the tablet is gone and that mom is cruel and unjust with consequences. There is no correlation with the bad behavior and the anger, the child blames her mom for everything without remorse for the disobedience.

This makes so much sense to me, because in real life, I have lived through punishments only intensifying bad behavior and making the situation worse. Also, I am brought into screaming matches with my kids as I try to enforce the consequence. The more I push, the more they push back.

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So I stopped pushing. It has been just as amazing as it sounds. I don’t yell anymore, because I am not implementing consequences. I don’t argue anymore, because it’s a fight I don’t have to win. I walk away and don’t engage with a child who is making poor choices. Amazingly, most of the time, the child backs down and apologizes right away, wishing to remain in my good graces.

For a long time, I resisted this approach because it feels completely wrong to just ignore bad behavior. I didn’t know how to do this, so I took it to Jesus. I know that He wants me to raise well-behaved, respectful, obedient children. I know He also doesn't want me screaming in anger at my strong-willed children who insist on exerting their independence constantly.

The answer came in a simple sentence. “I have the peace of Christ in my heart, so I forgive you and love you.” Jesus gives us a deep, abiding peace. I want that. I don’t want to lose my temper every five minutes with my kids. I want them to see Christ’s peace within me. Now, I have a formula for this.

Whenever I see a bad choice from one of my kids I point to my heart and say what Jesus told me. “Even though you are speaking to me disrespectfully (or not listening, or screaming at your sister, or whatever they are doing), I have the peace of Christ in my heart. I forgive you, and I love you.”

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This is powerful stuff because it actually allows the peace that Christ has given to me to reign in my heart. I mean what I say. I love and forgive them, but I see the bad behavior. They know I see it, but I don’t engage in anger or punishments. I stay calm and act like the parent who is in charge. Instead of escalating a conflict with my own anger, my child calms right down because she has no one to fight. More times than not, I get an apology right away.

Most amazingly, I am also teaching my girls how to deal with conflict. When one of my daughters is wronged by another, I smile and point at my heart. Then I hear her say (sometimes begrudgingly), “I forgive you and love you.” Then we move on. We don’t let the negative choices rule our day.

Click to tweet:
I can’t control my kids’ actions, but I can control my reaction. #CatholicMom

This method has definitely not made my children suddenly behave perfectly. What it has given me is the words to keep me from losing my temper 15 times a day. I can’t control my kids’ actions, but I can control my reaction, and thanks to the peace of Christ, I’m living the example I want (more often than not).