Running on Empty

Sherry Hayes-Peirce ponders the role grief has played in a recent episode of spiritual dryness.

I am in a number of prayer groups and Catholic/Christian book clubs. I lector every Monday morning, spend time in Adoration, visit a spiritual director, and have a devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Still, all that didn’t protect me from a period of time where I lost the yearning to be in the presence of our Lord.

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish? (Psalm 22:2)

It is humbling to know that no matter how hard you work for the Lord, it does not shield you from hardship, challenges, and complete devastation. When my husband died 19 months ago I remember the anger felt in thinking that we believe that God knew us before we were knit in the womb and so he knew I needed time to grasp my husband was going to die and still he took him suddenly.

Spending time with my spiritual director helped me to understand that God was in control, and He decided when someone would be called home. I found such comfort and consolation in attending Mass daily. Visiting the Adoration chapel and spending time in front of the Sacred Heart of Jesus were life preservers when I was drowning in grief. Now, as I move toward marking the two-year anniversary of my Dude's death, my mind, heart, and soul that had borne such fruit of faith seemed to be withering on the vine.

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Then one of my sisters in Christ who had walked with me during my grief journey lost her husband too! My husband was 61 and her husband was 55, how could the Lord do this to her? This was a woman who has visited the Vatican and many holy sites. In fact, I have bottles of holy water from the holy places she visited from her on my prayer table, bottles thatI have wondered why I didn’t pour it on Dude on the crazy day of his death—maybe that would have saved him.

As COVID-19 has begun to evaporate, my calendar has begun to fill with speaking events, both in-person and online. My coping mechanism for my grief was to stay busy as it helped me to procrastinate about creating a new routine. I hear the lyrics from the pop song “Running on Empty” by Jackson Browne playing in my mind.

Click to tweet:
It is humbling to know that no matter how hard you work for the Lord, it does not shield you from hardship, challenges, and complete devastation. #catholicmom

After two months of not going to Adoration, spending no time in reflection with the Sacred Heart of Jesus statue, ignoring my Hallow App daily devotion, and not journaling, I returned to these practices this week. My spiritual friendship circle meditation meeting confirmed that the Lord is with me wherever I am, but I know that His presence is felt profoundly for me in His house!

The one constant that kept me connected with Christ was the source and summit of our faith, the Eucharist! Staying focused on the real presence of our Lord when we receive the Holy Eucharist helps us to grow in faith and blessed assurance that our Lord remains with us in the good and bad times.

Lean into the Lord when we struggle to understand why things don’t seem to be in alignment with what we think things should be clearly different from what we see happening in the world.