Janelle Peregoy explores how people of faith can create boundaries that open up a path toward forgiveness.
The short answer is that boundaries are necessary for our well-being.
The longer answer is, well, … longer.
In my professional capacity at the Office for Family Life and Spirituality at the Diocese of San Diego, my role extends beyond the more stereotypical arenas of marriage preparation or parenting. Many families that we accompany are broken. They are burdened by crises — addiction, mental health diagnoses, abuse, trauma, and so on — and need to be encouraged to seek pathways to healing. All of this occurs while mainstream culture repeatedly devalues the significance of marriage and family life.
Among other priorities, we as a Church community need to help destigmatize taboos around mental-health treatment. The Catholic community deserves access to licensed mental-health professionals who are willing to speak about faith and spirituality as part of a holistic practice.
In a recent article at Catholic Mom, What Does Actual Self-Care Look Like?, I explored the idea that healing for the mind, body and spirit goes far beyond buzzy therapeutic words and material panaceas. Real self-care often involves establishing boundaries in our relationships. Boundaries are a frequent topic of conversation in divorce ministry as well as in Al-Anon circles when a family member is struggling with addiction.
Basic idea of boundaries
Each of us cannot control someone else's behavior. Yet, each of us CAN control how we respond to the behavior. Boundaries can be created in a myriad of ways: frequency, duration, or even topics of conversation. An important piece for a boundary to be effective is to clearly state the boundary to the individual and to enforce a reasonable consequence if the boundary is broken.
For a simple example, let's say that a friend regularly gossips about another friend. The first thing to do is raise the concern. I always advocate charity first: "You may not know you do this, but ..." Offer concrete examples of the behavior and then simply state that you feel uncomfortable engaging in conversation where the mutual friend is denigrated.
If it comes up again, reiterate your concern and desire not to participate in the behavior. At this point, you have to offer a consequence if your stated boundary (in this situation, your preference to avoid gossip) is violated: "I appreciate our time together but if this comes up again, I am going to have to get off the phone with you." Naming the intended consequence serves as a warning.
Just like in parenting, we need to be ready to follow through with the stated consequence if the boundary is crossed again. For me, the ideal action/consequence should directly relate to the specific behavior.
There are more extreme examples where setting a boundary might even be necessary for one’s safety or the safety of other individuals. An alcoholic family member who struggles with anger management while inebriated must understand that they are a danger to others in the context of their drinking. The others in the family would likely establish a boundary to leave the presence of the person if they are drinking. In these more challenging situations, licensed therapists are adept at helping individuals to create and maintain critical boundaries in relationships.
Leading to forgiveness
As people of faith, we recognize our own woundedness and sinfulness. The power of creating boundaries is that you create a buffer around specific behaviors that may be damaging to the whole relationship. That allows space for the relationship to grow in new directions.
Using the example of the gossiping friend, maybe that person was previously unaware of the tendency to speak cavalierly about others. Maybe because of the more direct boundary setting, the friend becomes more thoughtful about speaking of others. The friend makes deliberate changes in the behavior, and the other friend appreciates the person’s ability to make virtuous changes. In this scenario, one can see how setting the boundary has a positive impact for everyone involved.
On the other end of the spectrum, there may be individuals in our lives who continuously break our boundaries. In this reality, setting the boundary serves to reject the person’s behavior. Although the hurt and pain associated with these transgressions may still exist, the person setting the boundary can be confident in knowing that they are not enabling the other person. Creating boundaries helps each of us not to get hurt by the same negative actions repeatedly.
Although the path to forgiveness is often messy and takes time, creating boundaries offers better conditions to relate to and grow in connection with those who may have hurt us.
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Copyright 2024 Janelle Peregoy
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About the Author
Janelle Peregoy
Janelle Peregoy, M.Div, is an Associate Director in the Office of Family Life & Spirituality at the Diocese of San Diego. So yes, she has found one of the few positions where it is professionally acceptable to contemplate the spirituality of potty training. A Pope Francis bobble-head sits on her desk for inspiration. See more from Janelle on her blog, Faithfully Irreverent.
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