When Charity Isn’t Easy: What the Saints Teach Us About Handling Mean People

Katie Flodder explores the saints’ advice for handling the difficult people we encounter.

The passive-aggressive texts from another mom in the class group text. That individual who punches out with comparative commentary meant to lift themselves on a pedestal while knocking those around them down a peg. Or that random drive-by rudeness from a stranger that comes totally out of left field. Encountering people who just can’t seem to play well with others is a part of the human experience.

As Catholics we know we are called to radical charity and kindness but we can’t help but wonder if sometimes we’re doormats — a place for those behaving badly to scrape their own anger and frustration onto. It’s healthy to acknowledge that these encounters feel unjust and leave us grappling with anger, hurt and even fear long after the offending individual has stormed off.

As moms, we understand that our kids have these same experiences as they arrive home from school or the co-op venting about unjust treatment at the hands of another child. When my girls entered a certain age in elementary school, I noticed a shift in the way the kids treat each other that has only escalated in the teen years.

I’ve become skeptical of the advice to just ignore the other person or tolerate their behavior. That’s not true charity, that’s passivity, and frankly it doesn’t seem to have an especially high success rate. In reality, we are told that “God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).

Considering this, how do we Catholics deal with the inevitable encounters with unkind people without feeling like doormats? The saints give us practical advice we can adopt both for our own sake and to teach our children.

Saint Francis de Sales: Check Your Pride

Saint Francis de Sales was known as the Gentleman Saint for his patient and gentle approach even toward the most hostile. In Introduction to the Devout Life he writes, “If, when stung by slander or ill-nature, we wax proud and swell with anger, it is a proof that our gentleness and humility are unreal, and mere artificial show.”

I confess I felt a slight resistance when I first read his words but, in my soul, I knew he was right and these are wise words. This is a great quote to take to prayer and ask for humility to truthfully mediate on. Saint Francis de Sales is suggesting that an interior shift is at the root of our ability to deal well with those who challenge our charity. If we can begin the process of shifting our interior posture when insults arise, we put ourselves in a place to better respond in charity rather than a knee-jerk response to defend our own honor.

Saint Thérèse of Lisieux: Choosing Acts of Love

One is not safe from unkindness even in a convent. Saint Thérèse often wrote about dealing with difficult people in the Carmel of Lisieux.

There was a particular nun in her convent that irritated her to no end. In The Story of a Soul she writes, “there is in the community a Sister who has the talent of displeasing me in everything; her manners, her words, her character, all seemed very disagreeable to me.”

This was a person with whom she was required to have regular contact, so she had to devise a strategy for dealing with her. Similarly, our kids have that one child in their class that is relentless in their unkind words, or we have that one person in the office or the moms’ group that is has a challenging demeanor. How do we guide them in dealing with an unkind person they are required to regularly interact with?

Saint Thérèse had a practical multi-pronged practical approach:

• Smile at her and change the subject when tensions arose
• Help her whenever possible
• Never complain about her
• Pray for her

Saint Thérèse emphasizes that warm feelings are not required in order to do these things. Sometimes the good feelings follow and sometimes they don’t, yet it’s really about small acts of obedience toward God.

Saint John XXIII: Awareness of the Unseen Spiritual Realm in Personal Interactions

It’s impossible to imagine how many people the pope interacts with in a single day. Among those meetings, one can imagine that he encounters many challenging individuals or where a high-stake topic is center of discussion.

Saint John XXIII writes in Journal of a Soul that when he expected a meeting to be particularly difficult, he sent his guardian angel ahead to speak with the other person’s guardian angel.

Maybe you’ve never given too much thought to the presence of your guardian angel and the role he has in your life. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states, "Beside each believer stands an angel as protector and shepherd leading him to life."

The angel’s will reflects the will of God directly — so they also value peace and harmony. When all other diplomacy has failed, there is no harm in asking your guardian angel to speak with the guardian angel of a person you find difficult to love.

Practicing What the Saints Preach

Through these practical tips, as a family we can grow in our love and charity for others and hone better responses to the unkindness in the world. It’s twofold; we get to teach our kids more about the saints while also discussing the lessons we learn from their stories.

We’re not always going to get this right, and neither are our children. We all need to allow ourselves the space to practice these skills and offer ourselves and our children grace when we don’t always get it right. Saint Francis de Sales writes in Introduction to the Devout Life, “Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself.”

God will use even our smallest offerings of charity and multiply it. He can use difficult people to shape us and bring Him closer to His heart. If sometimes it feels too hard, ask Him for the strength and grace to respond differently than the world.

May you go into your day boldly offering patience and kindness to those you encounter (regardless of whether they deserve it or not) and teaching our children to follow your example.

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Copyright 2026 Katie Flodder
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