When the Struggle Is Real

Marge Steinhage Fenelon offers encouragement to moms who have too much on their plates, especially those in seasons of extreme difficulties.

I keep hearing from people how it seems like life keeps going faster and faster with each passing year. I hear it from young people, middle aged people and older people alike. So, it doesn’t seem to be an age thing. Perhaps it’s the pressure—real or perceived—to be ultra-productive at all times and in all ways. Or perhaps it’s because there’s so much noise in our lives. The Internet and digital devices can be of great service to human beings. My husband and I were just talking the other day about how different it is for me to write books now versus when I first started. In the beginning, writing a book required hours and hours of research over days, weeks, and sometimes even months at the library. Now my research is a matter of mouse clicks right from my home office.

Wi-Fi brings us information that can result in information overload and being overstimulated. Cell phones are amazing and sometimes critical for communication. But they also bring us endless text messages, notifications, and phone calls right at our fingertips. The speed and busyness of our lives can be a struggle for peace and, quite frankly, sanity.

Add to that any number of difficulties that moms face, from trying to make ends meet to spending enough time with their kids and dealing with health conditions. That doesn’t take into account emotional upsets, managing a household, nurturing our relationships with our spouses, or necessary self-care. Moms—whether biological, adoptive, or spiritual—have an awful lot on their plates! With our innate drive to nurture, we often can’t say no or fail to realize that we are struggling.

Until the struggle becomes real. Then we feel like we’re at the end of our rope. We may be exhausted, confused, frustrated, or physically unwell. We may be able to keep pushing through and look like everything’s just fine, but inside we are a mess. I’ve been like that plenty of times in my life and it’s no fun!

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Although I still find myself struggling from time to time from past struggles that are great help. I’ve devised what I call the “NICU Rule.” That’s an acronym for the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, a specialty facility in hospitals that care for premature or sick newborns.

I have spent plenty of time in NICUs. Three of our four children were premature and two of them were close to death. In fact, our baby daughter actually died and had to be resuscitated—three times! What I learned during those god-awful months was how to slow down and pace myself. Thinking about all of the what-ifs, dangers, and protocols all at once was beyond overwhelming. I started looking at things one week at a time, considering only what might be going on and needed to be done in that seven days.

When that became too much, as it often did, I took it down to one day at a time. I only allowed myself to think about what needed to be done for that day, what we knew about our child’s condition, and what measures had to be taken to save their lives—and that was it. When even that became too much, which again, it often did, I took it down to one hour at a time. Sometimes the situation was so critical and scary that I took it down to one minute at a time.

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Click to tweet:
With our innate drive to nurture, we often can’t say no or fail to realize that we are struggling. Until the struggle becomes real. #CatholicMom

I thought about only what was necessary in that timeframe and told myself that I only needed to get through one week, one day, one hour, or even the next minute. It was difficult, but I forced myself to surrender everything to God and spent copious amounts of time in running dialogue with the Blessed Mother. Sometimes that included ranting and having an outright tantrum, and sometimes it included uncontrolled sobbing. Often, it included dumbfounded silence. In a ridiculous sort of way, that was the most spiritually fruitful time in my entire life.

No other time, before or since, has been such an extreme struggle. Because of that, I am deeply grateful because it has made all other struggles much more manageable. When I’m in over my head mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I whittle things down to that week, that day, that hour, or even that minute.

When the struggle is real, there’s simply no other way.

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