When Your Daughter Meets a Mean Girl

 Katie Fitzgerald shares the advice she gives her daughters when they encounter cruelty among their peers.

I have four daughters, and a couple years ago, the oldest encountered her first “mean girl.” I, who was bullied pretty mercilessly by my own set of tween tormentors from ages 10 to 12, had been preparing for this moment for years, and I was ready with advice born from excruciating experience. I sat down with all of my girls, and I laid out my best practices for coping with mean girl behavior. If your daughter is in need of similar assistance, here in a nutshell is what I say to my girls.

Speak Up

The first thing I focus on is giving them a voice. I tell them that they can and should, loudly if necessary, make it known when something that is happening is not okay. I tell them to say things like, “Please don’t speak to me that way” and “I don’t like the way you’re treating me.” Under no circumstances would I ever ask them to allow someone to mistreat them and remain silent.

Calling out bad behavior in an assertive and confident manner is perfectly acceptable, and it gives the perpetrator of the behavior the chance to recognize it and change course. It also shows the bully that these girls are not easy targets or willing victims.

Treat Others with Dignity

Secondly, I remind them how we treat other people. I expect my girls to stand together against bullying behavior and not to participate in bullying of other girls. I have told them over and over again, “Fitzgeralds aren’t bullies,” and have made it clear that being cruel in response to cruelty is not an option. I’ve explained that bullying often comes from a place of pain or insecurity on the part of the “mean girl” and that we don’t want to add to those feelings by retaliating against someone else’s bad behavior with more bad behavior.

If all else fails, and the bullying escalates or does not subside after they call it out, I encourage them to just come home. (We homeschool, so this is practical for us. If we were experiencing bullying in a school setting, I would likely involve a teacher to ensure distance was kept between my daughter and whoever was causing her trouble.)

Establish Boundaries

Next, we talk about boundaries. Not everyone is going to be my daughters’ friend, and I make it clear that there is no expectation that they will keep trying to be friends with someone who is unkind to them. I encourage them to keep a polite distance, and to avoid actively walking into a situation where bullying is likely to take place.

We uphold everyone’s dignity regardless of how they treat us, but we also don’t keep going back to be victimized again. We can be charitable and wish our bullies well, but not at the expense of our own dignity and well-being.

Recall Your Identity in God

Finally, I remind them where their worth comes from. Mean-girl behavior is awful, and it is so easy for young girls to take it personally and internalize other people’s negative opinions as truth. It is so important for us moms to shine a light on our girls’ wonderful qualities, and to help them feel comfortable in their own skin. It is so important to resist asking our girls to change to fit in with the crowd, and instead to emphasize that God made each of us exactly as He wanted us, and that we are loved just as we are.

With assertiveness, charity for others, and healthy boundaries, our girls can face “mean girl” behavior with confidence, remembering always that they are daughters of the Father.

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Copyright 2026 Katie Fitzgerald
Images: Canva