Grief, the Corollary to Love

 Janelle Peregoy discusses how to guide our children through the experience of grief after the death of a loved one.

My Grandma Frannie passed away in March of last year, two days shy of her 103rd birthday. The final few days of her life were spent in her home of decades, looking out on the garden she had meticulously tended well into her 90’s. She lived the kind of full life we would all hope for our loved ones. Among other joys, she met all eight of her great-grandchildren. Her 100th birthday inspired my reflection in The Gift of the Elderly.

Waves of Grief

The first anniversary of her passing has come and gone. I am very aware of the cyclical nature of grief. Some days, it is relegated to the periphery of my thoughts. Sometimes, the very force of it crashes into my consciousness, flooding any previous thoughts or feelings.

Part of me dreaded Christmas this past year. It had always been her favorite holiday. My cousin, who typically hosts Christmas Eve, put up a wall of old pictures behind the dining room table. It was of our grandmother at different stages of life — as a newlywed with a handsome husband, a young mother, laughter and travel through middle age, and the inevitable photos of her as a grandmother and great-grandma. Her presence was palpable that night.

Fast forward to February of this year, I was rifling through my third-grader’s school papers. There was one worksheet where the students had prompts pertaining to Lent. “For Lent, I will give up [fill in the blank].” I was glad I read until the final line.

“For Lent, I will pray for my great-grandma in Heaven.”

Grieving with Children

This was the first death of a loved one that my sons experienced. In essence, it was the first time we were guiding them in grief.

My kids were often frustrated by my inability and unwillingness to give them precise answers. This led to exchanges like this:

“How long does will it take Grandma Frannie to arrive in heaven?”

“I don’t know the exact timetable for that. A lot of people talk about God’s time not feeling like our own.”

Deep exaggerated sigh. “What’s the point of you having a theology degree if you can’t answer my questions?”

He had a fair point.

Fortunately, not all our grief-related conversations ended in disappointment. The Holy Spirit inspired a few helpful moments along the way.

Grief, the Corollary to Love

In one conversation with my sons, I had a simple realization.

Our sadness and pain are reflective of how much we loved the people we have lost. When we make that connection, we can better understand grief as an outpouring of love.

Thinking about these things reminded me of Johanna Stamps’ article a couple years ago, Balance Grief with Joy. Johanna emphasizes the intentionality of grief, not the denial or distraction from it.

Just like my cousin's wall of pictures, there can be so much creativity in grief. I have also come to consider grief as an invitation for community.

My family (all of my grandmother’s children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and spouses) are geographically scattered. Even in the weeks leading up to her death, we would often miss each other at her bedside. And yet, we recently all made the commitment to gather for a weekend together this upcoming August to celebrate her legacy.

In joy and in love, she still brings us together.

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Copyright 2026 Janelle Peregoy
Images: Canva